Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:20:57
In reply to Re: sorry » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on October 15, 2013, at 14:45:35
thanks, poet. hugs back for you if you want. penny has my upper arms, but they look better on her.
i think things are going to be okay. i've figured it out. it is about the community support, thing. i think things will be okay because i seem to have some.
i still feel very ambivalent about this diagnosis thing. the problem is... i have to embrace it if i want assistance. otherwise i get nothing. feels a bit like emotional blackmail. i feel kind of dirty for succumbing. on the other hand, there is probably another way of seeing this...
i have a friend...
(i guess that could mean a lot of things)
he should be a close friend because we are part of the same group. have been friends for around 6 years. things have always been a bit strained between us, though. i thought it was because we were too much alike with respect to social anxiety so neither of us relaxed particularly around the other. part of it is that he does the social bonding with gossip (and bitching about certain others) and he likes playing social games like 'what is the scariest thing you have ever done' or 'who sung this popular song that anybody who is anybody must know' - and i can't do any of that, it makes my social anxiety worse...
anyway... we are currently co-located. have been... well... he was actually in wellington when i was there, and he moved up to this region shortly before myself... he did med before philosophy (is the one who told me i was doing this backwards)... and he has moved back into working on... something very close to me indeed. so really things are primed for us to have a working relationship. only... i've been avoiding him. fairly much the whole time i've known him. because of the anxiety thing... he gave a talk the other day and i missed it. anyway... i told him about the dx (dr appointment running over was why i missed his talk - but saying just that sounded lame). and got... a nice email back from him.
this sounds odd... but i think we might be capable of being better friends now. because... he thought that i was judging him in reacting negatively to his ways of coping with his anxiety but really i wasn't... and now... the dx makes that understandable to him. he can put it down to my incapacity.
i feel...
ambivalent.
but it seems to be helping.
actually... a huge part of it... where i used to live... there was a window that opened out onto this garden area. and people used to go there to drink after work. and i was in my room having a meltdown one day and i could hear him (he has a distinctive voice) and a bunch of people from work and they were like 'where is alex?' and he was like 'oh, she never hangs out with us' in a condescending way... it really upset me... later... i thought that perhaps it indicated that he was upset / sad or something that i didn't... later still... i realized he was hurt / upset because he thought i was out with other people who i liked more or something... but of course i wasn't. i was having a meltdown in my room. this... perhaps this is what it explains. that my social distance / aloofness / downright absence much of the time... wasn't at all that i thought i had better things to be doing or whatever... a lot does make sense now...
i got waitlisted for biomedical science. bastards. perhaps they are messing with me since i've applied to enroll then not actually taken up the enrollment for 3 semesters now... perhaps if i accept the accommodation on monday they will take it more seriously. i will go grovel to them next week (see if i can provide more information in support of my application). perhaps i pissed them off because i said i wanted to do a course of study that was half-way between both of those two options... but things turn out to be rather more complicated because they are restricting entry for the courses... if i don't get a place in bio-med i can always do the year of health science which involves psychology and epidemiology and sociology rather than physics and biochem and genetics... the other papers are the same (the crucial ones for med entry the following year) but i was starting to look forward to the challenge of science...
they administrator withdrew my application for physiology... so i think they are messing with me, yeah (i was going to apply for special permission entry to the restricted courses. ur... i think i am something of a pain. i hope i'm sort of somewhat amusing...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1047868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130914/msgs/1052340.html