Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2013, at 12:44:12
In reply to Re: Not really a distortion Phillipa » Twinleaf, posted by Phillipa on May 4, 2013, at 12:07:32
The thing about relationships is that they involve two sides. I really like Harriet Lerner's idea of the dance. She has several books, including "The Dance of Connection" and "The Dance of Intimacy". (Has she ever written a "Dance of Therapy"?)
The idea is that the relationship of any two (or more I suppose) people is a dance of sorts. The dance steps have been learned over a lifetime. The only way to change the relationship is to change the lifelong patterns of the dance.
If you just look at recent (even ten or fifteen years recent) history in a relationship, you're only really seeing the final result of a lifetime of relationship. I think it might be impossible to take any situation and break it down and see what's happening. Because you're just seeing what is literally happening, not the lifetime of learned moves in the relationship that lead to the actual results.
I'm not blaming you. Heaven knows it's the extremely lucky parent who manages to make it through their children's lives without messing up somehow. I know I'm not one of those blessed few. And heaven knows, kids are not blank slates. Even the best parental relationships are charged. I suspect that in relationships where there is a triangular parental relationship, whether it's divorce or just warring parents, it's even moreso. If you look at my relationship with my son at this moment, there are times when he perceives my actions differently than I intend them. Add a third set of perceptions in there, and it could be even more confusing. Each person reacts to their own interpretation of events, then the reactions lead to more interpretations and more reactions.
Somewhere along the line, the dance with each of your children managed to deviate from what you'd like, through misunderstandings, or unintentional hurts, or whatever - on both sides. You clearly feel hurt and anger and resentment. Probably they feel it, or something like it, as well. It doesn't matter who is to blame at this point. What matters is to change the steps of the dance. Which is far harder to do with only one person involved. Would any of your kids be willing to do long distance family therapy?
Honestly, I think that when there is an entrenched pattern of avoidance and resentment, it is difficult if not impossible to unravel the maze enough to understand it and change it alone. A fairly detached but caring person is needed. If it is at all possible for you, and if this is an issue that could make a big enough difference in your life, I'd strongly suggest that you try therapy with someone skilled in those areas and then be open to what they say. Even if you might not see things in the same way.
For what it's worth, from a daughter and a mother.
poster:Dinah
thread:1042531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130409/msgs/1043177.html