Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2013, at 14:14:33
In reply to Re: Therapy Was Nice » Twinleaf, posted by Phillipa on April 26, 2013, at 20:33:05
Phillipa, as you might know, my relationship with my mother isn't what I would like it to be. I was thinking about that as I read this thread. I'm not sure what to do on my end because my mother only seems to want to hear from me when she needs something from me. I'm not saying I don't understand why. I've certainly contributed to that.
But it is also true in the other direction. I probably don't respond overly well when she does try to reach out to me. I'm trying to think what she could do to broach the distance, should she ever want to. The only thing I can think is that low key would be best. Very short calls avoiding any problem areas in the relationship, just chatty and upbeat.
My advice to you would be to keep expectations nonexistant. If you give a present, do your best to give what they might like, then forget it. If they thank you, great, if they don't then your pleasure will come from the thought that you have done your best to be loving and giving. A gift from love is a wonderful thing, and the pleasure doesn't have to come from the hope of a return (of gratitude or contact). If you make contact with the expectation of any sort of return, you are likely to be hurt and disappointed. And... well... in a relationship full of both obligation and tension, the feel of expectations or the feelings of guilt that come from it, can lead to avoidance on both parts.
You might want to talk to a therapist about possible concrete steps that might help. For example, on thankfully rare occasions my son and I get stuck in a rut where we both are bracing ourselves for a certain reaction from the other. I find it helps to change the steps of our dance. I might tell him that I don't really like where our relationship is at the moment, and express my desire to step back and start over. With him, it has always worked. It might not work with someone older, with a longer history of miscommunications and misunderstandings. But it might be worth a shot, particularly if you have an expert's help in crafting the offer and following through.
poster:Dinah
thread:1042531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130409/msgs/1042758.html