Posted by inanimate peanut on January 21, 2010, at 13:28:24
In reply to Peanut in blackness, posted by inanimate peanut on January 20, 2010, at 16:28:28
Thanks everyone. It means so much to me that you are all there and that you care. I don't think I could get through this time without you! I woke up crying again-- I am just so sick of crying! I've had a few moments where I've felt a bit better, though, so I'm hoping that's a good sign. I'm still on all the same meds (except they banned me from the Wellbutrin, but it hadn't had time to help anyway), and it would be an awful coincidence if my meds just stopped working at this same time. No, I think I just had too much stress on both my body and my mind combined with the hopelessness I feel after seeing the doctor. It's like before I had that hope of "Stanford will have ideas" and now I no longer have that hope but I also no longer have the hope of some of the meds I've researched and no longer have anything to do with my time since it's really pointless for me to keep researching and trying to learn about more meds. I mean, this doc is an expert, so he knows more about the meds than I could ever learn. Also, just to think about how young I am and how this is only going to get worse for the rest of my life is overwhelming.
As for work, getting leave wouldn't actually be a problem I don't think. It's that it will be unpaid starting March 26 and I don't have any way to live without the money. I don't think I can get any loans since I have no collateral (no house or anything) and I already have quite a bit of debt already. Plus, what if I never get any better and could never go back to my job? I've studied SSDI/SSI pretty in-depth and know that I wouldn't likely qualify and if I did it would take tons of appeals and last years. I don't have any where/any way to live during all of that. I'm single and my family doesn't have any money or resources or really even a way to let me live with them. I just don't know what to do. My only thought is that I can't live like this forever. It will eventually get bad enough that I will have to kill myself. People say it's selfish to commit suicide, but how selfish is it to ask someone to stay alive in so much pain? How can you ask someone to spend the next 60 years just getting worse and worse? Why won't people just give me the permission to die.
As for the med board, I just haven't been able to face it. There's nothing anyone's going to be able to say that will make me feel any better and I'm worried I'll just feel worse. I will try to post it again today, but I couldn't do it yesterday. I haven't even looked at the med board since I was in Stanford. I just can't. It's just a reminder of the options that I don't have. But maybe if I get a good moment today, I will try.
Thanks again for your supportive words. They really do help more than you know. Sorry I'm such a downer. As I said, I've had a couple of better moments, so hopefully I'll start having more of those. I just feel so hopeless right now.
poster:inanimate peanut
thread:934472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100119/msgs/934568.html