Posted by inanimate peanut on January 20, 2010, at 16:28:28
It happened as soon as I got in my car to drive home from the airport last night. It's like I had to be strong until then and then that was it. I felt before I started crying that if I started I would never stop. I've descended into a deep blackness of despair, hopelessness, and constant thoughts about dying. Sure, I'm disappointed in my trip and the results, but this is far more than that. This is like I'm not on meds or like my meds totally stopped working.
I never typed an update since getting home because I haven't even been able to touch my computer until now. I just sit and cry and think of how I have about 5000mg of Parnate (just filled 2 mos.) sitting in my kitchen. They make the new meds so you can't kill yourself. You can kill yourself wiith Parnate. Don't worry-- I would never do it. I made a pact with myself long ago that I would never commit suicide. But, it's just how deep I've gone that I'm thinking so much about it. I just have this total hopelessness and despair.
I have plenty of reasons to be upset, but not this upset. The list really is a last-ditch effort at meds. So many of the meds I thought might work I found out are not options for one reason or another. The doc said that my disorder is really bad for my age (and I'm smart enough to know that bipolar is progressive, so what does that mean for the rest of my life), the options we have will not work by March 26 when I go back to work, so the potential that I will lose my job and insurance, etc. is very high. I also just happened to go through 2 days of travel hell where I didn't really eat, wasn't on schedule with meds (although I did always end up taking them eventually), and endured a supreme amount of stress. Plus, now I get to worry about paying for it all when I wish I just wouldn't have gone. So I have stuff to be upset about, but how I feel is out of proportion with that.
I shouldn't whine so much because I know alot of you live with this blackness every day. I don't know how you do it, and I really respect you for it. I sit around and complain about lack of motivation and pleasure etc. and forget how it feels to be truly hopeless and in so much despair. I don't know how you live outside of hospital. I really feel like if this goes on much longer I'll have to go back in the day program. Sorry if I sound dramatic-- I'm not trying to be. I just don't know how to deal with feeling like this alone. I hope it gets better. I hope I didn't permanently mess something up.
I'm still going to try to post the med list on the med board. I'm going to try to start doing normal things (like posting here) if I can in hopes that getting back into some type of a routine if possible might help this. Here's hoping!
poster:inanimate peanut
thread:934472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100119/msgs/934472.html