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Re: Despair, despair, despair

Posted by fayeroe on February 25, 2009, at 17:26:56

In reply to Re: Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 24, 2009, at 18:37:22

> Thanks for your responses. I'm trying to feel what I feel and have a good attitude, but lately I feel so sad. Anger is a big issue, too.

I feel that anger is very much a part of the grieving process. For me, fear is not far behind.


I do feel a sense of optimism about going into treatment although I'm told it may be overwhelming by people who have been through a lot of group therapy.

If you have a good group leader , there should be no problems. I'll cross my fingers for you.

I'm also wrestling with another personal issue. Our new minister helped me a lot when my husband was very ill and when he passed away. She was there for me almost obsessively. On more than one occasion she said, "I think of you literally every second of the day." The statement actually raised some red flags for me; it sounded co-dependent or something, but I was in so much crisis that I accepted the situation as it was.

I don't want this to be too harsh but there are people who thrive by being nearby when we first experience the loss of someone we love.

Now lately it seems that she has largely withdrawn her support. I've sensed a strong shift in her attitude.

I think that sometimes a person will withdraw when things aren't exactly going to "her" plan. Does that make any sense?


At first I blamed myself which I have a tendency to do. I felt guilty about being so needy even though she seemed to thrive on it.

No guilt!!


I spoke to my therapist, and he says she sounds like a "rescuer;" someone who comes on strong in their support because they get something out of it, but if they don't see you getting better fast, they are disappointed and move on to someone else.

The lines get blurred sometimes. Sounds as if she has some boundary issues in that she made herself an intense rescuer. There are boundaries that need to be observed in a situation like you are experiencing. If she had come to you with a more moderate attitude I believe that would have helped both of you more.


It would be easier to accept in someone else, but she had a professional responsibility in the lives of me and my husband, and I think the way she acted was unprofessional. I feel set-up. I grew to rely on her support. Under ordinary circumstances if I had been my normal self, sensing red flags, I probably would have distanced myself from her a little, but I was overwhelmed. So I grew to rely on her; she encouraged it, and then she suddenly became distant.

Sometimes people talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I hope that isn't making it out as being simpler than it is. "In over her head, perhaps"?


That hurts. I called her recently. She seemed sort of removed but commented that I seem mad at her. I told her that I was hurt by her shift in attitude.

I think she lost sight of the pain and could be making it about her now.


She told me she thinks I am upset because I have abandonment issues stemming back to my parents and my husband dying. I may have abandonment issues, but that doesn't take away from her role in the problem. So I'm wrestling with how I should deal with this. Maybe I should just accept that she helped for awhile, take it for what it is, be grateful for her past support, and accept that she is no longer a significant resource for me. It's complicated though. She is a part of my life: I'm involved in congregational activities, so I see her a lot besides on Sundays, and now I don't feel comfortable around her.

I think you're on the right track. Detachment and expect less from her. I find it really telling that she is telling you that you have the problem. Kinda makes me angry with her. Being DXed by your pastor now isn't very helpful.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It reminds me of someone taking their dolls and going home. Her expectations of the roles you both would play sounds way off for me.

xoxoxo Pat
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