Posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
Okay, no one 51-50 me, okay?? I'm in a deep sense of despair, but NOT suicidal. If I was suicidal, I couldn't talk about here because I'd get 51-50'd.
I once found an old letter from my mother she'd written when we were young children. She wrote, "Despair, despair, despair." Did Sylvia Plath write that, too? My mother was not happy being a mother. She was in over her head. She had no maternal instincts. I am not a mother, but I'm depressed. I think my mother suffered from depression, but she didn't get help. She had too much pride. I don't.
As some of you know, my husband passed away recently. It was the most functional relationship I've ever had. We expressed our love and support for each other every day. He was my biggest fan and thought the world of me. He had never-ending compliments for me, and I admired him deeply. He had good character. He was a good man who helped a lot of people. He truly cared. I'm going to enter an outpatient treatment program for my grief. I'm scared. I don't know what it'll be like. I know one person who's done this program before, and he was luke-warm on it. Nevertheless, I feel I need the structure and support, so I'm doing it.
I feel absolutely miserable today. My concentration is so shot it's not even funny. I'm unorganized and I lose things all the time. I feel angry that life is the way it is. I'm so angry. Why did this have to happen? I can't stand it. I'm so mad. I feel overwhelmed and unable to handle things. F@#*ing TAXES. Oh god!! And a friend is doing them for me! All I have to do is gather the stuff, but I didn't know my husband was going to pass away, so I hadn't been keeping track of all that stuff.
The thing is, I know I have a lot to be grateful for in terms of the support I have, so I feel a little guilty for feeling so down. but I feel the way I feel, and I can't help it.
Today I bought a book called "Grace (eventually): Thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. It seemed to touch on some issues I've been dealing with. Faith is one of them. Today I'm going to an Oscar party. I welcome the opportunity to be out with people, but at the same time I feel like balling up in the fetal position. Oh god. This life. Why, why, why???
poster:Cass
thread:881715
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090209/msgs/881715.html