Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 10:28:03
I can't keep my mind from going u-know-where.
Think worsened very much when I'd decided must let go of a sig-other of 14yrs. It had been painful though, to do alone, so I must have reached out too much; hence hand slappings.
As well, its crossed my mind FOO and children may be withholding love to push me to do u-know-what, to get me in a hospital or other facility. (I've shared it is the one and only way to get in.)
Through trial and error before father passed away, I believe I now know 'the way to go', 'for good', which I'd do(!) as I won't be punished for what I really didn't want to do in the first place. I've shared my pdoc not amenable to any AD, as none have worked, so just Xanax, but have access to other meds.
I believe it's Fri, thus my desperation intense knowing any support closed for weekend.
I have a bill here for $70 and only $40 in account to last to end of month. I am not from a family without money. I asked mother for help and see there is a 24kb response in inbox. Most usually she says no. I don't dare read it or could be big trigger.
When father passed away, think 'I shopped' to divert grief. I lost control and have approx $200 more monthly debt than a budget of which my income allows. Already consolidated and cut up plastics, but for one in case need food.
I'm reacting to all this physically as well, w/ constant stomachache and terrible cramping at the worst times. Just soup and crackers last night and awakened to distended and hard stomach.
APPRECIATE HELP ME GET THRU WKEND, ANY WHO HAVE TIME, ... I'm pretty frightened. NO IRL friend or fam to call on. Sig-other is **th user and so far haven't gone there; calling him I mean.
I can't think positively long enough to sustain any real comfort.
I think, with the right help, I could pull out of this, but haven't received a call, or even a time and place of maybe a group 'just to talk'; nothing from T, pdoc, or others caregivers aware of this desperation I'm feeling. I began to elicit their attn on Monday! T off today. Only chance might be a call from pdoc, but would be very rare.
tks all, 5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:823777
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080329/msgs/823777.html