Posted by Racer on February 14, 2008, at 13:42:20
In reply to Re: I take you seriously (very, very long post), posted by Deneb on February 14, 2008, at 12:04:58
> Thanks for taking the time to write to me Racer.
You're welcome.
>
>It's just I feel like my family requires me to have a degree.Um...
Do I have to say anything, or can you say it for me? I'll bet you can figure out exactly what I'd say, and it's better if you say it to yourself, anyway.
>
> I've tried not engaging with my sister, but she just keeps talking on and on.Yep, that's exactly what I've faced with various members of my family. That's why it's so hard to learn how to maintain your boundaries -- it's because doing so almost always involves others who aren't respecting your boundaries.
Here's what happened with my aunt:
For many years, it's been Accepted Fact that I'm a lousy housekeeper. I'm "messy." Now, it's not untrue -- particularly when I'm depressed, things fall apart fast. It doesn't matter how clean my house is or is not, my aunt makes comments about what a lousy housekeeper I am. For years, I tried to "stand up for myself" by saying things like, "things fall apart when I'm depressed," or something like that. Once she went into my husband's bathroom, which had the water turned off to it because of plumbing problems, turned on the water to use it, then complained it was a mess. I told her it was his bathroom, and his responsibility to clean it, and she had the unmitigated nerve to tell me I should clean it anyway! Even when I said that it was between me and my husband, and none of her business to inject herself into our relationship, she kept telling me that I was at fault for not going in and cleaning his bathroom. That is an example of what lack of respect for someone else's boundaries might look like.
I finally found the answer for me: she came in the front door, on a visit to us, and started complaining about my housekeeping. I told her, "I'm glad to see you, and if you're here to visit me, you're welcome. If you're here to criticize my housekeeping, you can leave right now." She, of course, started to tell me that I "needed to hear it," that it was "for my own good," etc. And I just stood up, grabbed her suitcase, and started walking her to the door, telling her again, "If you're here to criticize my housekeeping, you can leave."
She hasn't said a word about it since.
It took me until I was nearly 40 to do that, Deneb. You have a head start on me, because you recognize the problem earlier than I did. I hope you can find a way to maintain your boundaries that works for you.
>
> I feel a little better now, but I still feel trapped. If my family leaves me alone I think I'll feel better.
>
>Wouldn't it be nice if life worked that way? Sad news, though: it doesn't. What I've discovered in my own life is that it works the other way 'round: I feel better, because I've found a way to MAKE my family leave me alone. Sadly, the price of freedom is eternal vigilance: I have to KEEP ON maintaining my boundaries with my family, in little ways as well as big ones, but the prize is that I feel a lot better when I am with them, because I know that I am not powerless.
It's hard as hell, Deneb -- I won't lie to you about that, this is not something easy to do, and it often seems as though it would be easier to lie down and die than to keep doing it. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, though, is it? It's the effort that makes something worthwhile.
Best luck to you, and I wish you strength, too.
poster:Racer
thread:812595
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080130/msgs/812702.html