Posted by Kath on February 14, 2008, at 16:00:12
In reply to Re: I don't want you to die, posted by Deneb on February 14, 2008, at 12:08:50
Hi Deneb,
There's been much wisdom in what everyone has said to you, especially Racer.
If any of it really 'speaks' to you, and if you have a printer, perhaps you could print it & keep it in your purse, or knapsack, or wherever, to refer to it if you feel awful.
I want you to know that I would be proud to have you as my daugher. I would be proud of you JUST the way you are, without you having to do ANYthing else in life.
You know the problems with my son's big-time drug use for years? And his at-times homelessness, & unfinished high school & numerous times joblessness etc? Well guess what - I am proud of him. I am proud of the PERSON he IS. Not what he has or hasn't done. Just who he is - sensitive, so kind, gentle, loving, wise, etc. And in that same way, even though I've never met you in person Deneb, I can tell important things about you that are wonderful things!
You said: If my family leaves me alone I think I'll feel better.
I hope you re-read what Racer said about that whole matter. I think she's very right about this: When we start to change the 'dance' that we've been doing with people & they are jolted out of the old expected pattern, they often try very hard to get us to act like we used to.
Think of walking along a log. If something starts to shift, we'll try VERY hard to maintain our balance.
Think of actually dancing with someone else (dancing where people hold each other). If both people are used to moving a certain way & then one changes it - the other person is going to be off the balance that they're used to! They will probably try like heck to get things back to what they're used to & what they're comfortable with.
The phrases Racer mentioned are great. And you WILL have to repeat them. It can sometimes feel easier to slightly change them when you repeat them. With your sister, it might be necessary to do something physical as well as the words. Just like Racer physically picked up her aunt's suitcase.
Since you have no control over your sister, if she keeps on at you, while you're trying to set healthy boundaries for yourself with her, you might have to actually remove yourself from her presence.
For example, after saying your words a few times, repeat it & then leave the room - go to a different part of the house, or go to where your parents are (if your sister acts better around them), or get your coat & go out for a little walk. I think it's important to NOT do this in an angry way. Maybe with, "I need to be treated with respect. I've said I'm not prepared to discuss this (sister's name)" then (only if you feel like it) smile, turn & leave her presence. You might have to repeat this step too. For ex she might follow you out of the room. I suspect you might have to leave the house, but it would be a nice surprise if you didn't.
Also Deneb, it doesn't matter if she reads all this stuff. It doesn't matter if she knows what you are doing. You can still do it.
I forgot to mention befrore, that to me someone who is lazy wouldn't go to work AND school!! Or even ONE of those things, let alone both!! :-)
I am keeping you in my thoughts. I'll be 61 on Tuesday & it's only been in the past 10-15 years that I've known of and learned these 'assertive' skills. As Racer said, Deneb, you're getting an amazing head start.
Baby steps, too. Bit by bit you can try these things. Bit by bit they will become more automatic & comfortable.
I send you BIG-MUCH love (as one of my kids used to say; can't remember which one!) Kath
poster:Kath
thread:812595
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080130/msgs/812723.html