Posted by CoutureMan on November 8, 2007, at 23:13:15
In reply to So scared of starting something new, posted by ClearSkies on November 7, 2007, at 17:07:32
ClearSkies, Eighteen years ago…1989… my chosen career of law finally came to a bitter end. After a long psychiatric hospitalization, I came to the realization that I may never regain the concentration necessary to finish the last two years of schooling that I had started seven years previously. I was forced to quit my beloved law school education in 1982 because of severe depression. I was crushed at the time.
In the two months in the hospital in 1989 I realized I could concentrate on art projects but I was completely unable to concentrate on any type of reading. Apparently one part of my brain was working but the critical reading part was severely compromised. When I left the hospital I was still so sick that I was almost sent to a long-term facility but ended up in a 3/4-way house for four months. After that I went to a 1/2-way house for two years.
In the 3/4-way house there was an old sewing machine and I started playing around with it and taught myself how to sew. I would take garments apart and figure out how to put them back together again. By the time I reached the 1/2-way house four months later I was interested in going to design school part time. Prozac had just come out and I had titrated slowly up to 20mgs a day by dumping the contents out of the capsule and taking progressively larger amounts. I was starting to feel a little better. In the hospital I could not tolerate 20mgs a day because of the anxiety it caused.
I got into design school and concentrated on men’s wear at first because I wanted to make clothes for myself. I did really well and was encouraged to concentrate more on women’s wear because everyone liked what I was doing and it was considered a more viable business opportunity. After two years of study it was clear that I was a very talented designer and women loved my clothes.
When I got my design degree it I knew that I wanted to go into business for myself with my own line of designer women’s clothes. I was well enough (not in remission) to handle the workload necessary. I had no fear of failure but only fear of my unipolar depression returning. There were people interested in backing me financially so from my perspective, I had nothing to lose.
Immediately my line took off. I had a sales representative who got my clothes into major department and specialty stores around the nation. I was nominated for the coveted Golden Shears award in San Francisco for the first two years I was in business. I was in Women’s Wear Daily magazine many times. I was the guest designer at I Magnin to promote my line for a special benefit and was the featured designer at the San Francisco fashion mart for a media event. It was unbelievable what was happening to me. I just went along for the ride. It was almost surreal that I, a straight male, was surrounded by beautiful models wanting to wear my clothes on the runway. It was also sad that I wasn’t well enough to engage in any of the dating opportunities presented with all the women I met.
The fashion business is an extremely difficult business even for the healthiest person. After four years, two partners and several employees the money was just not supporting the business. I decided that I had enough of the clothing business. I even declined an investor with serious money begging me to partner up with her in 1996. During the four years I had the business I was constantly changing meds in hope of getting more relief from my depression. The SSRI’s were starting to poop out on me and my zeal for the high workload became too much so I was forced to quit. The business was considered a financial failure but was great artistic and personal success.
From 1996 to 2003 as my health slowly declined again I concentrated on high-end custom work for individual men and women. Tailoring suits and one of a kind dresses from my apartment. From 2003 to present I’ve been too sick to do a dam thing. I’m so sick now it feels as if the above never even happened. I’ve never been afraid of success or failure in activities in life(in the game). What I am terrified of is this endogenous illness of depression and anxiety that has devastated my life.
ClearSkies, I hope my story will inspire you to take a chance on yourself while your health is good. You’re in the game. It’s a window for you to be productive on a scale that seems really manageable. You could always walk away from things if they don’t work out. Try to forget the negative thoughts that are not part of your illness and go for it! The worst that could happen is that you would fail. However as long as your health is good, from my perspective, you’d still be in the game. I would do anything to be in your position. Good luck!
Sincerely,
CM
poster:CoutureMan
thread:793785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20071026/msgs/794028.html