Posted by ClearSkies on November 7, 2007, at 17:07:32
OK, please don't consign me to the Working board wasteland - this is Social talk!!
So I haven't worked a bonafide job for (mumble mumble) I think 3 years almost. Had to stop because of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Past 6 months have been like a brand new ClearSkies - the right dx, the right meds, the anxiety magically resolving itself, the panic only resurfacing when I'm under the worst of duress. And I keep saying to myself, "get a couple of months of stability under your belt, and you can try to get back into the workforce." And it scares the living heck outta me that I'll be ready, you know, and that no one will want me, and the money won't be there, and I'll resent giving up my freedom, and my back will hurt from sitting at a desk (or standing all day)....
See, I'm really good at talking myself out of things before they ever appear.
But independently of this specter of possible reinsertion into the workforce has been this gift horse of a business that just about fell into my lap. It's hard work, it's exciting, it's taking a hobby and possibly making a living out of it - like a dream come true. And it scares me silly.
I took the first step of creating an online store (no URL to link to yet; I have a lot of "behind the scenes" work to do first), and I had my first panic attack in months. I never even had to step outside my front door to do it, either. It came right in through my computer and rubbed its own nasty self all over my brain. Paralyzed into inaction by my own fears of failure, and I haven't even started yet.
So, has anyone else done this reinventing of themselves? Taken yourselves out of the mainstream of the workforce and made yourself your own boss? Do I stop being scared? Do I try to find a mentor? Can ya recommend one to me??? It's not really working with my husband sending me multiple emails every morning saying, "we should do this!!" because he knows, well, less than I do (to be charitable). And he and I have had the discussion already about how to set pricing and how much to spend on replacing our inventory - that's my job, thank goodness. So he's stopped trying to pull those selling prices out from between his butt cheeks where he was keeping them.
But that feeling that I'm on this precipice, or maybe about to take a stroll across the Niagara River Gorge on a high wire with a piece of bamboo as my walking stick - this feeling of utter panic is with me all day long. And it's all I can think about when I go to bed. It's not a question of whether I might fail or not - I very well might, and that is a risk that I am taking. But it's this whole UNKNOWN world that I'm entering that has me scared witless.
As good as my life is, as lucky as I am, I am as scared as I have ever been.
CS
poster:ClearSkies
thread:793785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20071026/msgs/793785.html