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Need support/help/ideas/whatever

Posted by cloudydaze on June 25, 2006, at 21:50:08

I've had a wide variety of psychological, physical and family problems for a long time now...

My main psychological issues are bipolar disorder and social & General Anxiety...which i think is connected to the Bipolar anyway..

I have major self esteem issues, and sometimes experience sheer terror being out in public. Lately, I feel like I'm trapped inside my house. There are things i want to go out and do, but i don't because i am not able to enjoy myself anymore due to extreme anxiety about being in public. It's like paranoia.

My biggest problem is not even directly related to any psychological disorder...or perhaps it is? I don't know.

I had my daughter when I was 16 - my boyfriend fled the state when I was pregnant, and I never saw him again. Now she's 6 years old. I love her very much, but sometimes I wonder if i've got what it takes to be a good mom, with all my problems.

I made the decision to keep my daughter because I wanted to take responsibility for my actions. Some of my family thought it was a better idea if i giver her up for adoption, and my boyfriend tried to pressure me to have an abortion before he fled. I couldn't do that. It hurt me to even think about it. Is it possible to love a fetus? I thought so - i still do. At 16, i loved my unborn, "illegitimate" child. I don't know if it was the best decision, but it was my decision.

The problem is, 6 years later, I'm still having trouble adjusting. I am confused, really, as to what my role is in life. Yes, I am a mother, but I'm also 23, a college student, and many other things. Part of me feels like I should be a normal 23 year old, and the other part knows that I CAN'T because I'm a mom.

I don't fit in with adults, and I don't fit in with kids. I don't even fit in with other parents my age. I feel alone.

I think part of the reason i have social anxiety is because of this. I don't want to go out and get drunk every weekend with the rest of the college students, but at the same time, it would be nice to relate to SOMEONE...

On top of it all, the same phenomenon happens when i'm with my family. I just don't fit in. I've become the new family reject. Some members of my family don't agree with my parenting style, so they assume I'm a horrible parent. My daughter is healthy and happy, and she's never been critically injured, beaten, or mentally abused. I don't think i'm a bad parent - my child is thriving. But, when I get together with certain members of my family, I can't seem to do anything right.

I've started avoiding family activities where this seems to happen. But the worst part is that my own mother treats me the same way oftentimes, and I can't avoid her - i live with her. In fact, part of my confusion come from my mom's behavior.

You see, she tends to pretend she's my daughter's mom instead of the grandma. She used to claim it's because I wouldn't be a parent, so she had to.

This is so far from the truth. She likes to yell at my daughter for things I would just ignore. I believe that some bad behavior can be modified my just ignoring it. She doesn't seem to believe in that approach, and she sees my parenting style as "non-parenting". She thinks the same thing when I try to give my daughter more independence.

So basically, if I don't play with my daughter 24/7, and do everything for her, I'm a bad mom.

If I make my daughter bathe herself, clean up her own room, play quietly by herself, or encourage her to get dressed by herself in the morning, I'm neglectful!

my mom sees my daughter as a burden. She rarely wants to spend any time with her, because she doesn't want to "act like the mom" but she "acts like the mom" when I clearly don't want her to, or need her to. This really makes me sad.

My mom also suffers from depression and Co-dependency...she has her share of probs.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a horrible parent, and I just don't see it? My father tells me he's proud of me, and that I'm a good mommy (and he was one of my fam that was crushed when I got pregnant, and wanted me to give up my daughter).

I don't know if any of this makes any sense...i tend to ramble. I need help.


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poster:cloudydaze thread:661440
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060618/msgs/661440.html