Posted by Jay on May 22, 2006, at 21:34:52
In reply to Can't detach from 22yr old son's stupid choices..., posted by Kath on May 21, 2006, at 11:38:39
Hi Kath...
Well geezz I am not even a parent and I can feel the stress through the monitor screen!..heh.
I am 36, and my parents still flip out on me if I ever tell them anything drastic that is going on in my life. But, I have a young nephew who is in a similar situation as your son, and his Mom, my sister, is having the same problems you are.
I don't, unfortunately, have a lot of answers. It seems that time makes it's way with these things. It creates a ton of anxiety for you as a parent, though, I realize. Maybe, if you can, put a bit of perspective on it, and think it is just a "phase". That's what I do when I have medication problems. I just think "It won't always be like this...it won't always be like this.." Easier said then done, I know.
Maybe you also need something to address your anxiety med wise. Something stronger then you are taking now. If you have BPII issues, clonazepam is an excellent med (anti-anxiety and mood stabalizer) you should be taking *right now*. I've been taking it daily with my "cocktail" for many years, and it really, really works at keeping that anxiety at check.
Don't lose yourself, or forget about yourself and your needs in all of this. The only way you can help your son is if you are really healthy.
Take care...and best...
Jay> (I posted this last nite on the Parents board - no answers yet & I really need support right now. I think we can't post the same thing on 2 boards so maybe whoever checks this stuff can erase it from Parents board if necessary)
>
> Actually - it's the results for HIM of his unwise life choices that I find it hard to let go of....if I'm coming from a more intellectual level.
>
> - why can't he learn from his mistakes?
> - why can't he see that he's ruining his life?
> - how could I have failed so amazingly at being a parent?
> - how can I extricate myself from this 'enmeshment' with him?
>
> I first joined PB in 2000 when I had started taking Celexa for anxiety due to my son's behaviour. He was around 16 at that point.
> I've been off meds since about October. I've been doing reasonably well since then until his announcement a couple of weeks ago that he felt like simply walking away from everything with just the clothes on his back...
>
> Here he is 22 & STILL using drugs; STILL partying; STILL awake all nite & asleep all day; STILL NOT WANTING to WORK;
>
> The big difference is that he & his girlfriend have their own place. THAT is a MAJOR thing that's different.
>
> (Excuse all the upper-case letters; I just feel really exasperated)
>
> For several months he's had no job. His girlfriend works a couple of days a week. 2 weeks ago their gas was turned of because they have a $800. bill they haven't paid. Their April rent cheque hasn't been cashed yet, but they are expecting it'll bounce.
>
> I find it SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to detach....to not worry about the "natural consequences" that might happen.
>
> Why can't I just let go????? Instead of not thinking about him, it's as if his situation is in the back of my mind all the time. When I asked him how the 'job search' was going & mentioned to him a couple of local places that are hiring he said something like: "I feel like you & Dad are pressuring me to find a job - it's like when I lived at home; I might as well be living at home."
>
> I hate the thought of them having the stress of their rent-cheque bouncing. My mind does things like "oh jeez - then they'll be given their notice & will have nowhere to put all their belongings & will lose all their belongings" etc etc.
>
> What is wrong with me? I wish I could just DETACH.
>
> Has anyone had this type of thing to deal with? I feel so alone. So very alone in this.
>
> Any feedback is MOST welcome.
>
> Kath
>
> PS - I'm adding this as I move this to Social. It's rainy (not nice weather for the PB-ers who are in Toronto (I'm an hour North). It was actually Hailing!!!
>
> I'm still feeling alone. I can talk to my husband about it & he's supportive, but just doesn't get as emotionally involved as I do. I feel sad & lonely.
>
> Kath
poster:Jay
thread:646542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/647120.html