Posted by special_k on April 6, 2006, at 10:59:17
In reply to Re: Thank you, posted by special_k on April 6, 2006, at 10:50:20
and thats got nothing to do with anything...
but i am drunk and raving...
and at this point it is probably a good thing. because you get drunk and people talk... and people help you feel accepted at times... and apparantly there is this grad school phenomenon and i can't remember what it is called but it basically captures the 'i'm so stupid and i got in 'cause of luck and soon enough peoples are going to realise how stupid i am and regret me' phenomenon that i am going through... and apparantly everybody goes through this... and i had a frank talk with this guy about how it can help when people coax you through it and maybe how you get less coaxing as a girl (oh my god am i becomming / convering people to be raving feminists)... but how everybody feels that way and it is okay. it is okay. and i am okay. and i need to try more 'cause i'm doing okay.
boundaries (for those still with us...)
hard as a little kid 'cause you need your boundaries respected. but then... as a little kid it is supposed to be ok to ask for hugs. to need hugs. to need people to just unconditionally love you etc.
then when you grow up / as you grow up... all of a sudden it isn't okay anymore :-(
i reminded of this movie... life of marylin munroe... apparantly... her therapist used to hold her. just hold her. while she went off to sleep. nothing sexual. just holding her... i have sympathy... trouble is with adults physiological responses come into play and things can get confusing (especially in light of abuse)... but it is so damned hard.
when what we want is just to be held...
and i have sympathy.
and it hurts so much to think it can never happen 'cause i'm an adult now. i'm not im not. but the body is :-( the body is :-( and that is an end to it.
and i don't know...
but life sucks sometimes. it does.