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Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » alexandra_k

Posted by Deneb on May 26, 2005, at 23:57:43

In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2005, at 21:13:33

> So why not fool around and leave it in the hands of the fates
> And if it is meant to be then it will happen...

I don't know why I can't stop thinking these horrible things to do to myself. Maybe I want to control my life, maybe I want to manipulate situations and I'm not very good at it. (I hope my limited insight can help others with their problems.)

> The worst case isn't death
> It isn't life
> Its having to live with some kind of self imposed disability that you got in fooling around.
> For someone (probably your mother) to have to look after you because of your self inflicted disability.

****Extreme Trigger Follows****
***
**
*

If that happened to me I would probably have to kill myself.

> Its only been since then that I've snapped out of that mindset
> Of playing around with pills.

I don't know why I am playing "games." My p-doc told me that overdosing and going to the hospital is not a "game" and that it really hurts other people when I do that. I'm not 100% sure what she means...Does she mean that the people in the hospital get upset because I overdosed? I hope people don't think that I was only playing a cruel game on other people. If I were only playing a game, couldn't I have choosen a less risky game to play?...one that involves less suffering? Arrgh...I'm seriously confused right now. I'm not sure what I am saying anymore. I just have an urge to OD again and I'm not sure why.

> It doesn't occur to me anymore...
> But I wish I could have snapped out of it by imagining one of those worst cases
> Rather than having to live it...

Maybe this is all a dream...it doesn't matter what I do, I will wake up from it. I can do anything I want to. If I think I am wrong, I can kill myself and wake up again. Meanwhile I can have lots of fun.

jenny


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