Posted by shellybelle911 on January 27, 2005, at 3:29:34
In reply to Re: anyone up in the wee hours of the day like i am??? » shellybelle911, posted by saw on January 27, 2005, at 2:34:17
I am just dealing the best way that i can right now--trying to figure things out...
Yes, it stresses me out a great deal when i have traumatic calls, especially the rapes and domestic abuse calls.
I think what is making me so anxious right now is trying to figure out what i need to really deal with first and getting on the right meds (which i still am not).
I am happy to hear that you have found a man that supports you, to me that is very hard to find, I am sorry to hear that he was mean and sarcastic to you last night--sometimes people just don't realize how much they can hurt you with their words. Things that were said about me years ago still play in my head like tape recordings, its awful.
I had a really good relationship going with someone i met thru work but it was so very new--just after my divorce and then i started going into my depression and having all my troubles i think i scared him away or maybe it was my neediness for him. hmmmm still out on that one
We have started talking again and he has been very good about not bringing things up from the recent past with me or using it against me if we argue, but its almost like i am afraid to be myself around him. He likes me but he has issues too...he just lost a brother and father and a nephew recently commited suicide and his son went thru several hospitalization for attempting suicide...and i can't get an answer out of him as to where he wants to go with this, and i am the kind of person who likes to put lables on things and have everything out in the open but with him i can't...i don't want a commitment...i guess i don't know what i want...
I do know that i do want to be happy and like myself, that is my biggest problem. Everyone says that i am very attractive--but i just don't see it when i look in the mirror or in the inside of me--i don't know why but i don't feel like i am worth anything--to myself or anyone else...
I am trying so hard to work on this problem--but as i said before some days are worse than others...I have just recently started therapy and that is when I was finally able to talk about all the abuse--it has been too painful up until this point. But i think that i finally realized that if i don't i am going to keep going thru this pain and probably never truly love myself and i will most certainly keep blaming myself for what happened.
I just think that during this last hospitalization i realized that i am truly the only one i can count on to deal with all this mess. I moved down here to TN to marry second hubby and have no one down here now, my family is all up in ohio and the few friends i do still have after coming out of hospital work the opposite schedule from me--so sometimes i truly feel so alone. Well, enough of my babbling for now. But keep in mind that no one deserves the abuse that so many of us has been thru, we are worthwhile people ( i keep trying to tell myself that until one day i will finally wake up and believe it) lol
Feel free to babblemail me anytime
Hope you get to feeling better, and have some chocolate for me too next time you do....Michelle
poster:shellybelle911
thread:448453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050123/msgs/448506.html