Posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
Please keep in mind that this is graphic and involves self-injury. If you are sensitive to such issues, please do not read this post.
Well, before I could even put the milk in my coffee and cereal, my mother comes in and starts in on me on a small issue. She tends to do this sometimes. Well, she started with the issue then digressed into how I'm such a terrible person and I'm a burden and she works her a%$ off and I sit around and do nothing, how she and my dad support me and I don't appreciate it, etc.. It really felt like a planned attack. I broke, went into the garage and hit anything that could do damage. I did a real number on my knuckles (scraped a lot of skin off, maybe broke one). She then burst into the garage and continued her attack, saying "get out", etc. She started the apprciation thig again, at this point all I could do was yell. I told her that if she think I didn't appreciate her then she could f$#% off. Not the most constructive thing, I know. Hit the wall next to her, went into my room and locked the door. I took a knife and started cutting. I cried uncontrollably. After some time, my dad tried to come in. I told him to go away several times. Finally, he used the coffee as a ploy to get in. I desperately wanted to be alone but I knew he wasn't going away. Still holding the knife, I unlocked the door. I got so overwhelmed that I began to bang the knife (the butt, not the blade) into my knee multiple times. It still hurts. My dad got me to put the knife down. He made me drink some of the coffee. I was still crying uncontrollably and just spilled my guts to him. The depression, hallucenations, the urges to self hurt, etc. After a couple of hours of talking, I was lucid enough to go back out into the house. I never would have killed myself no matter how strong the urge, but I'm pretty sure I would have injured myself pretty badly. I still feel pretty awful. I want to self injure again. Resisting the urge as well as I can. I think I'll get over it.
My mom is not this way 99% of the time, but this time she hit all of the biggest buttons. I do feel like a burden to them. I do appreciate their support although it's hard to show it sometimes. I have a hard time doing things around the house because of my energy level. If I watch TV or listen to music a lot it helps to tune out the hallucenations. I have made so many attepts to help my parents understand. They really are wonderfully supportive most of the time but today I've reached the end of my rope.
Sorry for the graphic nature of the post, I do not intend to cause anyone else hurt. I really have to get this off my chest. I have nobody else to tell right now.
poster:socialdeviantjeff
thread:291190
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/291190.html