Posted by Medusa on December 10, 2003, at 9:50:38
In reply to nightmare on babble street, posted by Jai Narayan on December 10, 2003, at 9:30:23
Jai, here's another perspective ...
People form connections at different paces, in different ways. A lot of how we connect is formed by our parents' ways of relating to us.
Friendships tend to form between people who have similar rates and styles of connecting. If a match is "off", generally the party with more sensitivity to the process will send off alarm signals. If the other person has a robust set of either instinctive or developed social skills AND the connection is important to him or her, s/he will pay attention to those alarm signals and revise his/her approach to the relationship.
If no revision takes place, or if the revision doesn't meet the 'slower' party's needs, the connection usually shatters. Or takes on a hostage quality. Sometimes this is overt. In some cultures, it's done so subtly that the rapid-connecter isn't aware of why the target disappeared.
Could it be that something like this was going on here? I've been in several situations where I felt an immediate connection and then proceeded to express that much more rapidly and broadly and specifically than the other party was comfortable with. It's taken a while for my confidence in myself (and my own connect-ability) to get to the point where I can tolerate the anxiety of slowing down. Actually, I'm often the slower party. It's kind of nice to sit back and see what happens when I don't invest too much, to see which way the boulder rolls when I'm not pushing it - or whether it rolls at all. Sometimes it's pleasant to sit back against a boulder and enjoy it right where it is, making no demands, just being with the boulder and feeling the strength and the cold of the granite, seeing the moss and lichens covering its shins and shoulders. And accepting that the boulder's the boulder, and I'm the tired hiker. And we're both worth a lot, just the way we are.
poster:Medusa
thread:287090
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/288331.html