Posted by Larry Hoover on November 21, 2003, at 7:41:45
In reply to Family Anger, Dysfunction, Can You Stop It? LONG, posted by Susan J on November 18, 2003, at 11:07:30
> Don't really know what to write in this post, or even why I'm writing...
Oh, I think it's obvious why you're writing....
> Mom wants to write a note to SIL saying she's sorry things have ended so badly, that she hopes SIL finds what she's looking for, and that maybe on the other side of all this, we could all be friends again. Keep in mind my mother is feeling extremely angry and hateful toward SIL now for all the pain SIL has caused my brother. So why reach out in friendship?
It's the right thing to do. The question is both one of timing and magnitude. It's not black and white.
Saying "Lets get through this together" is a good thing. But being extemely angry and hateful while paying lip service to a magnanimous concept is not the same thing as feeling that way. Quite the contrary. It's a subconscious subterfuge, to get in to the thick of things, and "revise" the situation according to her preconceptions.
She ought to back off, not dive in. At least for now.
> So, lightbulb! Something about how my family interrelates is feeding my brother's marital problems. We think we're all being helpful and supportive, but some of what we do is making the situation worse. Mom thinks she's taking the high road and reaching out in a compassionate way to SIL, but in reality, she's *overfunctioning* and probably going to make the situation worse.
Frankly, I think you're overly enmeshed. Nobody has any boundaries. Or at least, nobody respects each other's boundaries.
Just as an example....you want to put your personal stamp on things. You want everyone to know how angry you are. That's not going to help anybody.
> IF ANYONE HERE DISAGREES AND KNOWS OF SOMETHING BETTER, PLEASE TELL ME. I'm so open to ideas on how to *not cause damage.* Maybe (probably) we can't help brother's and SIL's marriage, but we somehow have to not make it worse.....You *know* I can't resist an open offer like that, don't you? Eh?
> For example, I'm outrageously *angry* at my parents for my brother's misery and failed marriage, particularly angry at my mother.
It has nothing to do with your parents.
> And I'm not sure what to do with that anger. I feel guilty for my anger.
And you want to assuage your guilt by doing what, exactly?
> They've always said I hold grudges and here's a grudge so big it's impossible to get around.
Oh. Could you have been more black and white?
A grudge is tangible evidence that you expect people to behave in a particular way. It is so easy for people to fail to meet your expectations. But that's not *their* problem.
> So I know there is nothing my family can do to take back the 34 years our family culture has contributed to brother's overfunctioning, but is there a way for me to help stop my mother's feeding his overfunctioning?
No.
> Can I or should I say something to my mother?
No. At least, not while you're angry like this.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the people I can
And the wisdom to know that one is me> Aren't I exhibiting overfunctioning behavior by trying to *fix* my mother and get rid of her detrimental influence on my brother?
Yes. You don't fix people. You help them find their own way.
> Do you think sharing this theory (as objectively as possible) with my family might do any good?
Do you think you *can* do it objectively?
> Or should I just stay the he** out of it?
For now.
> SusanHere's a big hug.... {{{{{Susan}}}}}
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:280839
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031113/msgs/282006.html