Posted by Susan J on November 18, 2003, at 11:07:30
Don't really know what to write in this post, or even why I'm writing...
Problem: This all came to a head last night when I was out shopping with my parents to pick some stuff up for my brother and nephew.
Maybe some of you have seen my threads on my sis-in-law who's leaving my brother for no apparent reason and it has caused horrible pain in my family. Well, she left Friday and while I thought things would get better because now life is stable and not so wild with her weird moods and insults, it's gotten worse.
Mom wants to write a note to SIL saying she's sorry things have ended so badly, that she hopes SIL finds what she's looking for, and that maybe on the other side of all this, we could all be friends again. Keep in mind my mother is feeling extremely angry and hateful toward SIL now for all the pain SIL has caused my brother. So why reach out in friendship?
This bugged me to no end! My mother has a history of taking way too much emotional pain from people. I've inherited that history, and I think my brother has, too. For some reason, emotional pain and disrespect are acceptable in my family.
My sis-in-law has been *extremely* mean recently and is hurting my brother left and right, emotionally and financially and jeopardizing the well-being of their two-year-old. So I asked my mother, if someone were standing over *D* (my brother) and kicking him repeatedly in the face, and he was bleeding out all over the floor, would you write a letter to *that* person, saying you hoped she would find what she's looking for and someday we might all be friends again?
Why is emotional abuse more acceptable and tolerable in my family than physical abuse?
So, lightbulb! Something about how my family interrelates is feeding my brother's marital problems. We think we're all being helpful and supportive, but some of what we do is making the situation worse. Mom thinks she's taking the high road and reaching out in a compassionate way to SIL, but in reality, she's *overfunctioning* and probably going to make the situation worse.
IF ANYONE HERE DISAGREES AND KNOWS OF SOMETHING BETTER, PLEASE TELL ME. I'm so open to ideas on how to *not cause damage.* Maybe (probably) we can't help brother's and SIL's marriage, but we somehow have to not make it worse.....
One of the reasons I think my whole family is reacting so badly to this separation is that it's crystallizing for us what we do wrong all the time and nobody wants to face the truth.For example, I'm outrageously *angry* at my parents for my brother's misery and failed marriage, particularly angry at my mother. And I'm not sure what to do with that anger. I feel guilty for my anger. They've always said I hold grudges and here's a grudge so big it's impossible to get around. So instead, I channel it into being mad at my SIL, trying to figure her out and *solve* the problem, trying to help brother and SIL, and that's getting nowhere.
So I picked up a book on anger that my therapist gave me a couple of years ago. Didn't relate to any of it then, but it was amazing to me now. "The Dance of Anger"
In the book the author describes people who overfunction and people who underfunction, and says all people do both at one point or another. But chronic examples of either can cause serious damage and serious *anger.* And if my sis-in-law is anything, she is *angry.*
So I looked closer and saw that my mother is a classic overfunctioner, a control freak, a rescuer, a problem solver, a fixer. She does does does and her overbearing nature causes others around her to *underfunction* or do nothing. Which is classic. And it feeds on itself. The more someone underfunctions the more an overfunctioner feels like he must pick up the slack.
Well, my family is extraordinarily hurt by all of this and my mother is running around rationalizing my brother's own overfunctioning behavior saying that if SIL doesn't do what she *needs* to then *someone* (brother) has to do it. There is no alternative. So she's rationalizing this dysfunctional lopsided behavior. And when one person extremely overfunctions, s/he gets angry that the other person does nothing, even though the overfunctioning behavior is contributing to that. And the underfunctioning person gets really mad because s/he can never do anything right in the overfunctioner's eyes, so the overfunctioner must do it. And that kills self-esteem on the underfunctioner's side, which just leads to more underfunctioning, and it's an ugly circle!
So brother has taken over my mother's role, overfunctioning, and SIL is left underfunctioning, and feeling both horrible about herself and extremely angry at brother.
So I know there is nothing my family can do to take back the 34 years our family culture has contributed to brother's overfunctioning, but is there a way for me to help stop my mother's feeding his overfunctioning? She's unconciously egging on the behavior that got him in trouble with his wife in the first place. She continues to try and step in, with the best of intentions I have no doubt, to try and fix what is broken. But this will only make it worse.Can I or should I say something to my mother? Aren't I exhibiting overfunctioning behavior by trying to *fix* my mother and get rid of her detrimental influence on my brother?
I've suggested my mom see a therapist to help her deal with all the emotions she's experiencing from this break up because she's seeking solace and action through my brother, and he doesn't deserve that. But she won't.
I refuse to let my family (including myself) hurt my brother more by entrenching ourselves in our own bad behavior. Do you think sharing this theory (as objectively as possible) with my family might do any good? Or should I just stay the he** out of it?
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:280839
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031113/msgs/280839.html