Posted by Larry Hoover on November 3, 2003, at 9:21:53
In reply to Fear and loneliness; long and laden., posted by kara lynne on November 2, 2003, at 16:11:17
> Hello to anyone reading.
>
> I'm trying to keep from spinning out on fear--I learned an acronym for fear.....False Expectations Appearing Real. What is running through your brain is worse than reality might ever send your way.
> So he let me know he could no longer give me any financial help, and that I'll have to take over an enormous student loan that he had originally promised--happily--to pay. It was his gift to me to put me through school, he made almost a ceremonial speech about it when I began.
Maybe it was to get you to go? All events have pros and cons.
> I have a lot of guilt and shame around this issue, and I don't think people have a lot of sympathy for a grown woman who can't take care of herself financially.
It seems that you are in a place that you *can* do so. I challenge your assumption.
>I hesitate to even post this for that reason, and that without understanding the circumstances it would be easy for people to assume I've been coddled all my life by rich parents.
Your feared assumption never even occurred to me.
> I don't even want to say that, because the obvious response is that it is up to me to take responsibility for myself, probably starting 20 years ago.
Today is a good starting point for decision making.
> I am starting from a disempowered state, having never known success.
You've completed a lengthy training program, and passed the exams. (You know you passed.)
> Fear as a motivator seems like it can work both ways--desperation will probably repel the very help I need, but urgency might overpower decades of paralysis.
Fear can be a tool, if you direct the energy towards achieving resolution of the fear.
> I'm overwhelmed; not only do I come into this having to support myself, but knowing I have what seems like an insurmountable amount of money to pay off.
Notice you use the word "seems". I'm challenging your assumptions and expectations.....that's all I'm doing.
> I'm starting off so far in the red I want to give up before I get out of bed. And I couldn't find much reason to get out of bed before this.
But, you did get out of bed. And you will get out of bed. Your behaviour belies your fear.
> I don't understand how those two things live together, but they do: the desire to die and the fear of death.
The simultaneous existence of both is what keeps
the former from occurring.> I went to school for four years, got licensed by my state and hopefully by the national board--I'll find out about that in a couple of weeks.
Looks like success to me.
> It would be easy for me to let it all fade into the abyss and never claim what I learned.
Would it, really?
> Like I've said before, I'm plagued with the imposter syndrome, convinced that everyone around me knows some secret that I missed along the way.
I know the imposter syndrome well. I grew up with what I now call "The Myth of the Perfect Person". Somewhere, out there, was a perfect person. They never got angry. They never made mistakes. What I didn't realize was that they never existed.
Here's where your description takes on a factual tone. These are the next steps on your path, one you chose quite some time ago. They were inevitable steps, whether or not your Dad is a jerk.
> It's going to take a quantum leap:
It's going to be next step....
> I have to market myself like I'm worth something,
.....because you are?
> ask for money like I deserve it.
....because you do?
> I have to start without being perfect before I begin.
Ahhhh! You've heard of the Perfect Person yourself.
> I have to get supplies,
Yes, a reasonable next step.
> make a resume from virtually nothing (Miller...are you there? I'm going to email you...).
How 'bout stopping with "make a resume"?
> My current employer (where I work mostly for trade) says I can start to see people at her office, and I wouldn't have to worry about any overhead, at least for now.
So, live for now, then. All things, in their time. You will figure things out, if you get out of your own way.
> Most of the women I run into have worked since they were they were in the womb, it seems. It's like a taboo not to be in this tribe.
Why carry that awful burder around with you?
> Doing even simple things while dealing with depression and med changes has taken Herculean effort for me.
I have no doubt of that. Please note, you are comparing yourself to Hercules, and the comparison is valid.
> I don't see how I will possibly be able to manage the task at hand.
The task at hand is manageable, if you don't try to solve all the problems that you foresee in the rest of your life, today. Pick one. Then, go on to another.
> The paradox is that of course some of this depression will be alleviated by self-reliance, and the self-confidence that comes with accomplishment.
So, feel the fear, but do it anyway.
> So I need what I'll get by doing something before I've done it.
I would argue that you're carrying around too much, and you need to do less. Put down the fear, and you'll be able to do something else instead.
> I guess that's where the faith issue comes in for me--how do you get faith when you don't have it?
There is always something you have faith in. You're seeing your life as a single task. You're lumping everything together. It's the collection that is overwhelming, while the individual tasks are quite doable. Break down bigger tasks into smaller ones, until you find your level of manageability. Until your faith in yourself is clear.
You can do it. You've done it all your life, but you've been taught to ignore your successes, and your competencies. For example, you're a gifted writer.
> I better not use that word too much or I'll have to switch boards.
That's a different kind of faith.
> Thanks for reading this is you have. I'd be happy to hear hello if you feel like saying it, but nothing admonishing if you can help it.
I hope I came across as supportive. I hope so.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:275840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/276056.html