Posted by kara lynne on November 2, 2003, at 16:11:17
Hello to anyone reading.
I'm trying to keep from spinning out on fear--suddenly faced with circumstances that are putting me into survival/ financial panic. I have always had this fear, but now it's a reality--along with finding out I've accrued a huge debt that I thought had been taken care of. I'm also dealing with the crazy making unreliability of my father, who lead me to believe one thing and ended up meaning another--a life long pattern.
I have gone through life mistrustful; always concerned that people don't mean what they say, or have a hidden agenda. I see now that that is exactly how it is in my family; on the outside everything is fine, but danger is always looming underneath the surface. I even asked my father a few weeks ago to tell me what was going on because I could sense something was up, but he continued to deny it and said everything was fine he just 'wanted to have lunch with me'. Fool that I am I believed him.
Turns out he was waiting for me to finish my last exam to tell me the truth, which may appear benevolent but ends up causing far more damage. If I am detecting something and asking about it, I much prefer to be told. Othewise I'm in a constant state of anxiety and my world is not congruent with my feeling state. The other day he wanted to 'go to lunch' again. I asked him, pleaded with him actually, to just tell me what he had to say over the phone. So he let me know he could no longer give me any financial help, and that I'll have to take over an enormous student loan that he had originally promised--happily--to pay. It was his gift to me to put me through school, he made almost a ceremonial speech about it when I began. Although that part won't be until when he dies, he is getting old--and if I'd known I was going to have to pay for it I would have planned differently. If you saw where I live you would understand that I have not been 'kept' in the lap of luxury. Just enough to keep me in a constant state of anxiety. My father has controlled and manipulated me with his 'help', and I have been working to get out from underneath that. Still the way he did it was humiliating and unfair, and took me completely by surprise. Actually, it didn't take *me* at all into consideration---if he had let me in on his machinations I might have been able to start preparing a little better for this.
I have a lot of guilt and shame around this issue, and I don't think people have a lot of sympathy for a grown woman who can't take care of herself financially. I hesitate to even post this for that reason, and that without understanding the circumstances it would be easy for people to assume I've been coddled all my life by rich parents. Nothing could be further from the truth. They are not rich, and I was not coddled. It's hard to try to articulate this without sounding like I am arguing for my collapse. My family crippled me emotionally, and then judged me horrifically for not being able to function better. I don't even want to say that, because the obvious response is that it is up to me to take responsibility for myself, probably starting 20 years ago. But we are all faced with different wounded areas, and this is mine. A big, gaping, glaring, embarassing defect: here it is for the world to see.
I am starting from a disempowered state, having never known success. Fear as a motivator seems like it can work both ways--desperation will probably repel the very help I need, but urgency might overpower decades of paralysis. I'm overwhelmed; not only do I come into this having to support myself, but knowing I have what seems like an insurmountable amount of money to pay off. I'm starting off so far in the red I want to give up before I get out of bed. And I couldn't find much reason to get out of bed before this.
My default position is 'I want to die'. It's what I go to when I wake up in the middle of the night alone, what I think first thing in the morning when I wake up. But as someone so sagely pointed out recently--I will die. And of course my immediate response to that is that I don't want to. I don't understand how those two things live together, but they do: the desire to die and the fear of death.
I went to school for four years, got licensed by my state and hopefully by the national board--I'll find out about that in a couple of weeks. It would be easy for me to let it all fade into the abyss and never claim what I learned. Like I've said before, I'm plagued with the imposter syndrome, convinced that everyone around me knows some secret that I missed along the way.
It's going to take a quantum leap: I have to market myself like I'm worth something, ask for money like I deserve it. I have to start without being perfect before I begin. I have to get supplies, make a resume from virtually nothing (Miller...are you there? I'm going to email you...). My current employer (where I work mostly for trade) says I can start to see people at her office, and I wouldn't have to worry about any overhead, at least for now.
Most of the women I run into have worked since they were they were in the womb, it seems. It's like a taboo not to be in this tribe. Doing even simple things while dealing with depression and med changes has taken Herculean effort for me. I don't see how I will possibly be able to manage the task at hand. The paradox is that of course some of this depression will be alleviated by self-reliance, and the self-confidence that comes with accomplishment. So I need what I'll get by doing something before I've done it. I guess that's where the faith issue comes in for me--how do you get faith when you don't have it? I better not use that word too much or I'll have to switch boards.
Thanks for reading this is you have. I'd be happy to hear hello if you feel like saying it, but nothing admonishing if you can help it.
poster:kara lynne
thread:275840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/275840.html