Posted by Tabitha on September 26, 2003, at 15:40:22
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
Hi Hannah, your pattern sounds just like me. It's difficult to nurture friendships. And once you have them, they're vulnerable to people moving away, or, my personal pet peeve-- single friends get coupled up then I'm suddenly low priority in their social life. Hmmph!
OK enough griping. what helped for me was to join groups that met regularly, and stay there for a long time. It seems to take me nearly a year to make friends. I joined a skating club, and then some 12-step groups. The skating club was just fun, didn't really lead to close friendships outside the group, but at least I had social activities and parties from it. I made several real friends in one of the 12-step groups-- it was a CoDA group. Recently I'm trying a church. Haven't met anyone in the services beyond 'hello', but I'm going to try a book discussion group there. I figure once I know a few people, then there will be folks to greet at the services, and I won't look like a lonely outsider anymore-- I might get some social momentum.
Another thing that helps is to just get some social contact even if it doesn't lead to real friends. Like I'm a regular at the local coffeeshop and video store, so the employees know me and are friendly. Just getting that little 30-second interaction can cut the loneliness and bring my energy level up.
The other issue for me was that I over-relied on alcohol to deal with my shyness. But my drunken behavior was off-putting and drove many people away, so it wasn't really a successful strategy. Eventually I learned to just endure the anxiety and do alcohol-free socializing. For that, it helped to go to activities where alcohol wasn't available or wasn't the main focus. I also deepened friendships with my few non-drinking friends during that transition.
Good luck-- keep us posted.
poster:Tabitha
thread:263517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/263556.html