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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
I've never really had anyone to talk to about this, but reading some of these other posts has encouraged me that maybe I'm not alone.
I'm pretty introverted, but also enjoy a good party. (Actually, I only enjoy a party if there's a sufficient quantity of alcohol. Somehow, I only feel like "the real me" at a party when I'm relaxed and have a slight buzz. Without the alcohol, I can never think of a thing to say to people, and feel really uncomfortable. But that's not the reason for this post.)
I've always only had a couple of very close friends at a time. I haven't had any close friends for about 3 years now, and I'm beginning to feel intensely lonely. I've made some efforts to deepen relationships with some of my casual friends, but so far haven't had much luck in making any real connections.
I don't work with anyone within 15 years of my age, and I haven't been active in church in years. Other than those two places, where do people make friends? And how do I know if I'm doing it right?
Posted by Penny on September 26, 2003, at 13:39:25
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
Uhhh...if you find out, let me know. Because the only close friends I've had I made either in school or at work. And now that I'm not in school (traditionally - I take a class here and there) and I'm among the youngest in my workplace (not to mention I don't live near most of my coworkers) I'm struggling to make friends. People say "Surround yourself with people" - "Volunteer" - "Take a just-for-fun class" - "Join a book club" and so on. Good ideas, if you have the energy, but unless you're seeing the same folks over and over, you're probably not making real *friends*, just acquaintances.
I'll be interested to hear others' thoughts.
P
Posted by Wildflower on September 26, 2003, at 14:17:21
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
You could be my twin! I'm in the exact same situation. I was beginning to think it was just me and that I was totally alone...
Posted by Susan J on September 26, 2003, at 14:31:08
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
> I've made some efforts to deepen relationships with some of my casual friends, but so far haven't had much luck in making any real connections.
<<Hiya. I've gone through that phase several times in my adult life (I'm 36) and it can be horribly lonely. It become harder as you age and get out of school. I think you are doing the right thing, trying to strengthen current friendships. People don't seem to put the effort into meeting and nurturing friendships the way they do romantic relationships.
> I don't work with anyone within 15 years of my age, and I haven't been active in church in years. Other than those two places, where do people make friends? And how do I know if I'm doing it right?
<<Someone else mentioned volunteering, which might be great for you. It's difficult for me. I don't like going into groups where I don't know a soul. Maybe get one of your friends to go with you? But joining little groups of people with common interests should be helpful. Do you have a group of coworkers who have a book club going? Could you start one? Book clubs are good because they generally aren't limited to "work" or whatever and some stray folks might drop in.I think you are "doing it right" if you are sincere about the whole thing. There is a group around here called Single Volunteers and they go do volunteer work in the morning and then hang out together for lunch. Or if you meet someone at the book club or something similar, exchange phone numbers and/or e-mail and drop a note every once in a while. Discuss a book online.
Personal Pet Peeve of Mine:
When there is an established group of people, they seem to *rarely* invite the new person or single person or whatever in to join them in activities. I was taught it was the polite thing to do. How come folks don't do it much anymore? If they did, it would be easier for Hannah, and me, and others facing the same dearth of friends, to meet new people.
Sooooo, to everyone here in an established group of friends/coworkers, please invite a new coworker or new group member or single person along for lunch, movie, coffee, or whatever, please. :-)
Good luck,
And if you live anywhere near Washington, DC/Baltimore area, wanna get coffee? :-)
Posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 15:15:01
In reply to Very Common! » HannahW, posted by Susan J on September 26, 2003, at 14:31:08
>>I've gone through that phase several times in my adult life (I'm 36) and it can be horribly lonely. It become harder as you age and get out of school. I think you are doing the right thing, trying to strengthen current friendships. People don't seem to put the effort into meeting and nurturing friendships the way they do romantic relationships.
> I agree that it's harder as an adult (I'm 34), and that people don't put much effort into making new friendships. I think that once people have their "friendship quota" they are not particularly receptive to making new friends. >I'm with you in that I don't like going into groups where I don't know a soul. It's a terrifying thought. I don't really feel like I have the time or energy to volunteer, but I've always wanted to join a book club. Maybe I should check for postings at the library.
> I think you are "doing it right" if you are sincere about the whole thing.
On the other hand, some people just seem to have a knack for attracting people. I love those people, but I'm not one of them. And I can't figure out why. I know I'm a great person with terrific qualities. Why can't other people see that? I think my shyness/insecurity makes me seem standoffish, which doesn't help at all.> And if you live anywhere near Washington, DC/Baltimore area, wanna get coffee? :-)
Damn! My first individual social invitation in forever, and I live on the other side of the country! :)
Posted by Susan J on September 26, 2003, at 15:34:09
In reply to Re: Very Common! » Susan J, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 15:15:01
> I agree that it's harder as an adult (I'm 34), and that people don't put much effort into making new friendships. I think that once people have their "friendship quota" they are not particularly receptive to making new friends.
<<That's part of my pet peeve! I have a group of friends at work (this is the first place I've ever worked where people were my age) and we go out at least 2x a month. But we invite "fringe" people all time. I was a fringe person at one point. :-) I'm only close to one woman in the group, but it's a nice social outlet. Before that, I only hung out with my boyfriend's friends. They were great, but I wanted friends of my own. Good thing, too, now that boyfriend is gone. :-)
>but I've always wanted to join a book club. Maybe I should check for postings at the library.
<<My mother joined a book club at her library, and folks ranged from 22 up to 70.>>I know I'm a great person with terrific qualities. Why can't other people see that? I think my shyness/insecurity makes me seem standoffish, which doesn't help at all.
<<It doesn't help being shy. So am I. But if you can get yourself into some of those groups of people, you'll become more comfortable and it will be a lot easier than meeting a bunch of new people each week. I think book groups are a great idea. I also thought about volunteering at the local library.But I totally understand about not having much energy to do anything! I think that's why a book club thing would appeal to me. You sit. You talk. You go home.
Do you have any brother or sisters? Can you hang out with them?
> Damn! My first individual social invitation in forever, and I live on the other side of the country! :)
<<Hahah! Around here, the City Paper runs ads, most of them are personals for dating, but they have a friends column, too. You might place an ad in that to see if anyone's out there that like to do similar stuff. Like, I *love* movies. Maybe you could find a cinephile buddy if that's something you like to do. Just do a matinee and get some coffee or something afterward.Or is there a park or something around you? I advertised for a walking partner around a lake where I live, where everyone exercises. That worked out pretty well, although the woman was married with small kids so we had nothing in common and she had no other time to hang out.
Take care,
Susan
Posted by Tabitha on September 26, 2003, at 15:40:22
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
Hi Hannah, your pattern sounds just like me. It's difficult to nurture friendships. And once you have them, they're vulnerable to people moving away, or, my personal pet peeve-- single friends get coupled up then I'm suddenly low priority in their social life. Hmmph!
OK enough griping. what helped for me was to join groups that met regularly, and stay there for a long time. It seems to take me nearly a year to make friends. I joined a skating club, and then some 12-step groups. The skating club was just fun, didn't really lead to close friendships outside the group, but at least I had social activities and parties from it. I made several real friends in one of the 12-step groups-- it was a CoDA group. Recently I'm trying a church. Haven't met anyone in the services beyond 'hello', but I'm going to try a book discussion group there. I figure once I know a few people, then there will be folks to greet at the services, and I won't look like a lonely outsider anymore-- I might get some social momentum.
Another thing that helps is to just get some social contact even if it doesn't lead to real friends. Like I'm a regular at the local coffeeshop and video store, so the employees know me and are friendly. Just getting that little 30-second interaction can cut the loneliness and bring my energy level up.
The other issue for me was that I over-relied on alcohol to deal with my shyness. But my drunken behavior was off-putting and drove many people away, so it wasn't really a successful strategy. Eventually I learned to just endure the anxiety and do alcohol-free socializing. For that, it helped to go to activities where alcohol wasn't available or wasn't the main focus. I also deepened friendships with my few non-drinking friends during that transition.
Good luck-- keep us posted.
Posted by Wildflower on September 26, 2003, at 15:59:24
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
I've too lost a lot of friends due to moving away or those who find a significant other. (Trust me if I do find someone, I will never abandon single friends.)
Just a thought... Could it be that our depression and associated lack of a positive attitude (and energy) is a deterrant to others? I know many of us on meds have also had SEs to deal with and are often stuck at home not feeling well.
I so much want to have friends that I can call and talk to but I cannot find that anywhere except online.
One interesting tidbit... I find that I'm more open to talking to people when I'm out of town on business. There's nothing keeping any one of us from heading out to a good restaurant and sitting and eating at the bar (alone). You may not find a lifetime friend but you will no doubt have an interesting conversation - even if it is with the bartender. You could even play it off as if you're from out of town... ;-)
Posted by fallsfall on September 26, 2003, at 22:32:02
In reply to How to get better at the whole people thing, posted by HannahW on September 26, 2003, at 13:18:43
I met two of my three close friends in either therapy groups (actually DBT) or support groups. These kinds of groups encourage openness and sharing, so you can get to know other people in the group quickly.
However, now ALL of my friends have mental health issues. This doesn't thrill my therapist. At least my friends understand me!
Posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 14:33:22
In reply to Re: Very Common! » HannahW, posted by Susan J on September 26, 2003, at 15:34:09
I guess I make it a triplet.. It'd be nice to hang out with someone that understood why I'm not open and talktative right away.
I'm from Washington state. Anyone else?
Posted by Susan J on October 1, 2003, at 14:41:03
In reply to Re: Very Common!, posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 14:33:22
Posted by HannahW on October 1, 2003, at 15:32:45
In reply to Re: Very Common!, posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 14:33:22
This is the end of the thread.
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