Posted by kalyb on June 12, 2003, at 15:49:36
I've posted about all this stuff before, so I'm sorry for boring the pants off everybody.
Brief resume: I've been living in the home of a "friend" and her partner (and now, new baby) for a year, as a lodger in their spare room. I pay rent, but I'm also expected to do a lot of work about the place, which for various reasons, I can't, or feel too unwell to do a lot of the time. And there is tremendous amount of work to do here - 5 dogs, the new baby, parrot, fish, rabbits, other small animals, not to mention the house (which is always dirty anyway).
I was depressed when I moved in, have been happier at times, and now very depressed and on medication, which I've only started taking a few weeks ago. Hence any positive effects are only really making themselves known now.
Yesterday, "friend" is stressed and starts yelling at me for not helping more. In fact the last week I'd started feeling better and started to help more, but it's not much, I know, and evidently not enough.
We end up having a talk. I discover that the meds are doing something, because I get the sudden flash of insight that since a child, having a "serious talk" or even not so serious, has always brought on intense anxiety, meaning that I would freeze up, clam up, rarely say a word and not be able to express myself at all. But now the meds have given me a clear still head and a non-pounding body - amazing!
Anyhow during this talk, she makes some things very plain. Here are some of the things she said, verbatim:
"You've been here a year, I've seen you go up and down, then up and down again... you'll probably always be like that... but it's obvious you don't realise the effect it has on us."
"You don't care about anyone else... never ask them how they're feeling"
"You're wrapped up in yourself... I know other people like that, so I know you'll never change."
"It's like living with a sulky teenager all the time."
"My partner gets depressed sometimes, but HE gets up every day and still goes to work and gets on with things. Why the hell can't you?"
"I can't ask you for help because you never seem to want to do anything I need you to do."
"There you go again... you're turning this conversation around to yourself."
"My partner said last night: "She needs a man!".
Me: "I had one, didn't I?" (bursts into tears)
"Yes and he got fed up with you as well!"All this time I am desperately trying to think "This is only her opinion! This is just her opinion!" but it still hurts and goes deep. I don't *have* any other input or anyone else's opinion at the moment. These are the only people I interact with on a daily basis.
At her last comment, I got so angry that I walked out and cried for an hour. She has some strange idea that I was the reason the relationship ended and has brought this up before. What was she, a fly on the wall...? And what if it was my fault, what the hell business is it of hers anyway?
Later, we had a calmer chat about things and I actually pretended to confide in her that I'd recently found out he (the ex bf) had been seeing someone else, that's why he ended it. I gave her a good, plausible story. She believed it. So now, although it was a complete lie, to save myself further hurt, she should leave it alone. I hate lying but feel NO pricks of conscience in this case. It's going to save me a lot of pain.
I hate living here but I have nowhere else to go except a homeless hostel. I don't belong here, she makes me feel abnormal and subhuman, with put downs and criticisms on a daily basis, and it really does not feel like a home, although it is the only home I have.
And no, I don't like doing things for her, but I do what she asks, regardless, even though I'm not really even doing things for myself at the moment. I feel I'm being exploited. I force myself to do these chores, which is why she gets the message that I don't want to do them. But should I be doing them? I have lost all idea of what's reasonable and what is not. She thinks it's OK to speak to me like that (above), so I think it's okay to not really want to help her. Let's have a little respect here, maybe? Or am I incapable of understanding this?
Of course I understand how my depression is affecting them. That's why I'd like to get away, leave them to their own little world to get on with their own lives. It's too much effort just to get up each day, I don't have the energy to work out even HOW to pretend I'm not feeling bad so that it doesn't affect them. Even staying in my own room out of the way isn't enough, because I'm not allowed to do that. What else can I do?
I'm an alien on my own planet. I wish there was someone else out there who I could be around who would make me feel I'm even a tiny bit normal. Better still, a little planet of my own where nobody can compare me to what they think I should be.
I don't know!!! I just have no idea how I'm supposed to behave any more, or what's acceptable, or unreasonable.
Help me....!
Kalyb (confused) xx
poster:kalyb
thread:233461
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/233461.html