Posted by leeran on May 14, 2003, at 16:36:08
In reply to Re: Blind Faith » leeran, posted by whiterabbit on May 14, 2003, at 15:15:42
WR: "Lee my friend, we do seem to be on the same wavelength."
LR: It's a scary-*** place to be, isn't it?
WR: "So you have given me some insight on life after divorce."
LR: There's a lot to be learned from the process. It certainly wasn't something I ever expected - either time. Who walks down the aisle (1st time) or does the Vegas drive-thru (2nd time) thinking they're signing up for a Learning Annex course? Certainly not I. I couldn't even get a date in high school so the fact that I've been married three times still boggles my brain. I have never gotten married (lol - the voice of "experience") with the idea that there would be a divorce involved.
A divorce represents the failure of a relationship, but for me, it also signified something in myself that needed repair (and still does, to a large degree).
Gracie, I copied and saved your "Looking for a Mate" post to my hard drive. It was so funny, yet poignant. I don't know why, but that post told me a lot about you. Primarily, that you are FAR more evolved than I was during/after my first divorce (far more evolved in general), and that what you so keenly understand about yourself is what will draw others to you (once you're out of this purgatory with your soon to be ex-husband). It seems like he's the last obstacle in your metamorphosis.
When I knew I had to divorce my second husband (for my good - AND the good of my son) I was a little closer to where you're at right now and that "oh, the H*** with it" attitude is what seemed to eventually clear the way for the next phase of my life.
WR: "I always avoid saying things like, "There's someone else out there for me," because I knew right from the start that I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than "settle" for a man, any man, as long as I can say I have a man...forget that. Actually I've kind of been living alone already for quite some time, been lonely in this marriage."
LR: My grandmother used to say repeatedly (after the death of alcoholic, sadistic grandfather): "I wouldn't have another man on a Christmas tree" - yet, she ended up marrying again. She married someone who treated her like a frail old queen. My father was so angry with her that he didn't speak to her until this kind old man passed away. I always felt so sad that there wasn't a time in her life when she could have a little family peace.
IMO, the loneliest place to be is in a failed marriage. This is the where I found myself in yet a SECOND marriage. One day I just mentally threw in the dish towel. I thought "oh fooey, I'm just not cut out for marriage, so what?" Even after meeting my husband I was still pretty adamant about never marrying again.
Here's what I think. I believe that it is possible to run into someone who appreciates you for who you are. Who accepts you regardless of your past or your flaws. Someone with whom the flow chart doesn't become static - and better yet, rises to places you didn't think possible.
My other marriages started out "okay" and just slid further downhill as they progressed. I really thought that must be the gist of what marriage was really like (after all, the only three I had been privy to were my own two and the train wreck known as my parents' marriage).
As utterly corny as it sounds (I will accept all rotten tomatoes thrown my way) I believe that every person has a soul mate (or sometimes several). Brian Weiss' books really struck a chord with me and I agree with his view that a soul mate isn't necessarily a romantic counterpart (although that's often the case).
I was going to try to explain what Brian Weiss said about "tree branches." Thank goodness I found a copy of it on the internet or I would have truly chopped up the entire concept. Here it is:
__________________________________Soul Relationships by Brian L. Weiss, MD
I like to think of soul relationships as similar to a large tree with a thousand leaves on it.
Those leaves that are on your twig are intimately close to you.
You may even share experiences, soul experiences, among yourselves.
There may be three or four or five leaves on your twig.You are also highly and closely related to the leaves on the branch next to yours.
They share a common limb.
They are close to you, but are not as close as the leaves on your own twig.Similarly, as you extend farther out along the tree, you are still related to these other leaves or souls, but not as closely as those in your immediate proximity.
You are all part of one tree and one trunk.
You can share experiences.
You know each other.
But those on your twig are the closest.There are many other trees in this beautiful forest.
Each tree is connected to the others through the root system in the ground.
So even though there may be a leaf on a distant tree that seems quite different from you and very far away, you are connected to that leaf.You are connected to all leaves.
But you are the most closely connected to those on your tree.
And even more intimately connected to those on your branch.
And almost as one with those one your own twig.You probably have met the other souls farther out on your tree in previous lifetimes.
They may have been in many different relationships with you.
Their interactions may have been extremely brief.Even a thirty-minute encounter could have helped
you learn a lesson or helped them or the both of you, as is usually the case.One of these souls may have been the beggar in the road to whom you gave a heart's gift,
allowing you to extend your compassion to another human being and showing the recipient to learn about receiving love and help.You and the beggar may have never met again in that lifetime, and you are part of the drama.
Your meetings vary in duration, five minutes, one hour, a day, a month, a decade, or more, this is how souls relate.Relationships are not measured in time but in lessons learned!
________________________________________
LR: I have thought of this "tree branch" concept many times since finding this board. All the "a-ha" moments I've experienced here have taken the edge off a lifetime of feeling so out of sorts (and thinking I was the only "one"). In a way, I see everyone here as a leaf on a branch that's not too far from the branch where reside.WR: We've grown so far apart. It will still make me sad when we get right down to the yours and mine piles, but - here comes the cliche - I guess if you want an omelet you gotta break some eggs. I'm somewhat anxious for the future but there's another feeling in there, sneaking in real quiet, I didn't even recognize it at first because I hadn't seen much of it around in my lifetime. Hope."
LR: I have seen hope in nearly every one of your posts since I've landed here. Each time a situation knocks you down you seem to come back even stronger than before!
I'm see Nietzsche's famous quote each time I open Dr. Bob's front page. Those words apply to divorce (and so much more): "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
Two books that have given me a lot of hope are:
"Many Lives, Many Masters"
"Only Love is Real"Or, a movie that really gave me hope (but not for my own situation when I saw it, as I was in the dark moments of my second marriage) was:
"Made in Heaven" (1987 - Timothy Hutton) - tried to link it to Amazon as there's a review over there, but it wouldn't accept a VHS link.
Sappy movie, but I loved it.
Sorry for the long post . . . just call me the cheerleader for people going through divorce. It's a life changing experience but there is life at the end of the tunnel.
poster:leeran
thread:226042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226614.html