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Re: follow up (long post)

Posted by paxvox on April 29, 2003, at 19:34:44

In reply to Re: follow up paxvox, posted by leeran on April 28, 2003, at 17:49:54

That's great, Lee, and that's why I was sincere in my praise of this board. I know that is unusual for me. However, as I said, it showed that an open forum CAN be a place for the public disclosure of things we would certainly not talk about to people we actually "know". That may sound strange, because even I pointed out how I have gotten to "know" some people better from using these boards. But my point is, I wouldn't walk into the middle of my workplace or my church and start telling everybody "well, you know what's wrong with me...." But here, things are a little more anonymous; albeit we do KNOW things about each other, we really don't KNOW each other. So, there is a sort of safety zone here that allows me to say openly "hey, my life is sh*t right now" w/o having to worry about what people are going to think about us (that is, those we deal with daily in life). I think that for you, however, this has been a major breakthrough that will hopefully lead to a greater awakening for you. I personally have seen in myself, and in my wife, that one cannot run away from or wish away one's past life. Everything that has happened to us, or that we have done to others, has shaped who we are today. Some of us have put on many layers of dirt and crap that hide the gem that's inside of us, while others have taken a facade and shined it up to look as though it were a sparkling gem (when their insides are really all dirt and crap). It is, ultimately, up to us individually to decide the truth about where we are on that spectrum, and decide if we WANT to change where we are to where we want to be. Anyone who really WANTS to be a healthy person can become better when he/she applies the necessary agent of change. For some of us, this may mean having to journey back years into our lives to open up doors we have left closed, for fear of having to deal with what's behind them. If we choose NOT to open the door and deal with the problem, that does not make the problem go away, it makes us go away from it. Ultimately, I believe, that when we have the courage to face and then conquer the demons of our past lives, we can begin to LIVE again rather than just EXIST. This is where I find my life with my wife. She cannot or will not make that choice, so she will not get better. For me, I have come to the decision that for now, I will be in my marriage but not of my marriage. I will honor my pledge, and try to love my wife the best I can. If she rebufs me, I will say "OK, just wanted you to know I love you." As for my daugter, if she presents a negative environment, I will say "Alie and I are going out for awhile", and the two of us will go find something fun to do. I refuse to let her pull my daugter or me into her dark hole any longer. I cannot take the stress, and my daughter needs to know that "when mommy is sad" that it's no reflection on her (my daughter) and I will take her temporarily out of the toxic atmosphere. Hopefully, after some time, my wife will recognize that just because I said that I won't ever divorce her or leave her, that doesn't mean she is free to do whatever she wishes without ramifications. And my daughter will learn to understand that her mother's illness is not her fault, and that she will not have to suffer because of it. Now, I think I have laid it out all rather plainly. This is how I will learn to live rather than just survive.

PAX


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poster:paxvox thread:221860
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030426/msgs/223249.html