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Re: pax........jyl fayeroe

Posted by leeran on April 26, 2003, at 12:42:03

In reply to Re: pax........jyl leeran, posted by fayeroe on April 26, 2003, at 9:04:21


I want to answer more a little later. I have to run to McDonald's to pick up a nutritious fast-food non-home made breakfast for N. (son) - but before I go, I want to say that I hope writing what you did this morning ends up being as cathartic for you as what writing what I did yesterday has been for me.

I still feel shaky this morning - but somehow, keeping it all a "secret" (because mom and dad never want to talk about what really happens, unless it's to me, on the side, about each other - which always makes me feel worse) makes it seem shameful and unreal.

But it WAS real. Good, bad, whatever - it was real and it's part of what shaped me - and what happened to you shaped you, and everyone else on this board (and beyond) has been shaped by what has happened along their journey.

I don't know what would be worse . . . to be alone trying to sort out the memories as an only child or to try to sort them out with siblings who are in denial. I'm going to think it's the latter, because it has the potential to leave you the "odd man out" and their denial probably makes you feel like your reality is being invalidated.

You have been so open with me here on the board, with the aging discussion and your views on handling it, with the background on your divorce, etc. (not to mention the apple-sour creme pies!) that I truly feel like you are an "online" sister.

I see the truth in your words and it makes me feel close to you, even though we just met and we're probably miles apart and will never meet in person.

Sometimes I think that those of us who might have some war wounds from childhood need to find our "family" all around us. Reading those Brian Weiss books helped me see that as a possibility.

I don't have "a lot" of friends. I have a few very good friends that kind of know the sketchy version of my background and I know theirs and we accept each other based on that (and more). Those people, along with my parents, who have so many issues - but still manage to really care despite it all, and most importantly, my husband and son, are my family.

People along the way who I've recognized as toxic for my mental health have had to go along the wayside. I realize I'm just too fragile for some people. There have been a few whose agenda was feeling better at the expense of everyone else, undoubtedly due to their own pain, but my foundation isn't strong enough to support the needs of others who might undermine my sense of well-being. Learning that has, I suppose, been part of setting boundaries after all these years.

After my first husband was unfaithful to me I had lunch with a "friend" who was always trying to pry information from me, how much money I made, what my marriage was like, and so forth. Finally, I admitted that my husband had recently come clean with the admission of a one night stand while away on a business trip. My friend's mouth dropped open as she put down her fork and napkin, and then she laughed. Right in my face. And she said "I can't wait to get home and tell ____ (her husband)." I had lost weight from the stress, and on the way out to the car she slowed down to walk a bit behind me and said "Oh no, your butt looks like it's getting smaller than mine, I better start working out harder."

I never accepted any future calls from her and never saw her again. Her husband, who is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, is still the administrator of one of my insurance policies.

We have to protect ourselves. Not to the point of paranoia - but to the point of self-preservation.

My heart is sad for you this morning, Pat, imagining what it must have been like for you back then, an innocent thrown into situations that were not of your making. That, coupled with the family angst with your sisters just doesn't seem fair. Not in the least.

But from where I sit, Pat, I see you as very evolved and undoubtedly, a lot of that strength has come from what you've been through.

Take care of yourself today, and always.


p.s. I always think I can write a "short one" and finish it later, but I can't. I just have this immediate need to react/say something - and then when I get started, I can't stop! Off to the golden arches. Cross-country hugs!




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