Posted by kara lynne on March 29, 2003, at 23:57:38
In reply to Re: Hey Kara Lynne . . . be strong, OK?, posted by bozeman on March 29, 2003, at 1:01:57
bozeman,
Thank you so much for your reply. You said everything I need to hear right now. Yes you're right; he hit me in the place I get most sad, hopeless and insecure, and it is a fight not to get hooked.As for his health problems, you're right to get on the soap box whatever the origin of his problem is. If it were me I could never let it go this long. He's diabetic, so there are many complications, and vascular problems certainly may be one of them. He also has something going on with his hormone levels that prompted the doctor to want to take an MRI (possible pituitary tumor), but he'll probably get around to that in about 2010, if he's still with us. I did manage to get him to a doctor at one point, but he hasn't followed through with anything. Does he think this just 'goes away' for me? I understand it's a difficult thing to confront, but again, in a relationship it affects two people--something he just doesn't get. I must admit I am looking forward to the possibility of being with a healthy man. I think part of my problem is that I feel so damaged myself that I think I don't deserve a healthy man, or that I'd be too depressed and ill myself because of all the physical complications that depression has made worse in my case. So what if I find some wonderful man and I just feel too broken... I'm tired so I'm not feeling very articulate, sorry if I'm not explaining well. On the other hand I think ideally, in a healthy relationship you help each other be better people, or at least you like who are a little around the other person. I have found that I just don't like who I am around him anymore.
God, your friend's relationship parallels my own so much it's scary. I've been saying just the same thing, that I'm more alone living with him than I ever have been in my life. I guess it's worse because the illusion is there that you are in a "relationship"; people expect that you are a couple, people refer to him as my husband when we go out together. That one just kills me. Not that I would even want to marry him at this point, but it's like rubbing salt in the wound. And it is such a trap to listen to more illusion about what they 'plan' to do-- yeah, right. Just another five minutes and I would have been in wedded bliss. If only I could have been a more perfect woman. The other night on the phone he started getting into my character defects; another deflection from talking about anything that really matters between us. He brought up the problems I'm having with my friend right now-- another sensitive spot and he goes in for the kill and I'm instantly mired in self-doubt. I've got to stay out of those conversations with him.
I have to stop wasting energy thinking that I've wasted the last four years of my life with him. It does a mindtrip on me and makes me think I should stay with him--it's hard to explain. It's like I don't want to face the idea that all that time was wasted, or something. And very possibly that I did give up the last hopes of having a child by staying with this man (although I still hope against hope that isn't true).
I know I'll be better once I get out of here. This is the hardest part, agreeing that we're breaking up while I'm still looking for an apartment. I have to fight the vicious cycle of depression and lack of forward movement which I'm sure is made worse by being in the same environment as he (although we rarely see each other). I have been calling and looking into places to live though, so hopefully something will come through soon.
I can't thank you enough for your encouragement; I don't know what it is exactly, but there is a lot of energy behind what you say, I believe you, and it really makes a difference. You know whereof you speak! And speaking of that, how are things going for you and the contrite one?
Thanks again bozeman. I'm going to go sing "I Will Survive" to my cat while she looks at me like I'm psycho.
poster:kara lynne
thread:213632
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030326/msgs/214246.html