Posted by bozeman on March 29, 2003, at 1:01:57
In reply to Hey Bozeman, posted by kara lynne on March 28, 2003, at 13:51:18
Don't let it hook you. You are right on target, I suspect, with the reality of the situation that he was just turning it back on you. If he had *really* been ready to have a baby two weeks ago, the first time you heard about it *wouldn't* be on his way out the door (or after he's already out the door.) It's probably just another way for him to divest himself of any guilt or blame. He knows that to unsettle and disarm you the most, he has to hit you in the biological clock -- the one spot he knows will make you the most sad, hopeless, and insecure.
Yes, it's possible that his intentions were honorable, but it's not likely. It's also possible that he'll get struck by lightning crossing the street tomorrow, but it's not likely. I used to exhaust myself agonizing over "it's possible he really meant this nice thing instead of that callous and insecure thing" but thankfully, mercifully, I'm feeling much better now. :-) I finally have the strength (discernment?) to call a spade a spade and know when I'm playing with a guy who can't ever finish a hand, one who folds every time. I deserve to be with someone who can accept me as I am, faults and all, and isn't afraid for me to know him, faults and all. Someone whom I can trust completely, and who trusts me in kind. Someone who is ready to honestly love, in all senses of the word, and be loved in return. Kara Lynne, YOU DESERVE THOSE THINGS TOO!!! Don't let him pull you into a mind-game where you start second-guessing yourself. Believe it or not, you are right where you need to be. If you were still with him, how could you recognize and participate in the right relationship when it came along? You're too loyal to let yourself do it if he were still in the picture.
Any man who can't get the medical help he needs to preserve his life, because he's in denial, won't be able to be there for you when you need him most, in child rearing, illness, child support, whatever. Trust me, I do know how emotionally charged and delicate a subject this is for men, but what they in their fear and denial often miss is that the single greatest cause of "potency" difficulties in men our age (other than medication side effects) is vascular disease. That's right, heart attack waiting to happen. But the arteries in "that area" of the body are smaller and plug up sooner, so the first sign is potency problems. So instead of recognizing it for what it is -- an early warning sign of a serious medical condition, that if heeded, could likely be fully reversed, but if ignored, is likely a death sentence -- they get defensive and insecure about it because they don't understand what's happening to them and they think it has something to do with "them" and is not simply a fault in their circulatory system. But that's usually what it is, and it can be treated if caught early! All he has to do is go to the doctor and be honest and straight about what's happening!!! But what usually happens is, even if they go to the doctor, they don't open up about the difficulties they are having so the issue doesn't get addressed until they either start having angina pain or hypertensive crisis. (I'm sorry for getting on my soapbox, but it pains me that this is so little understood and so seldom addressed. This may not have been your boyfriend's problem at all, so forgive me.)
But I am absolutely serious about that you deserve someone who will be there for you and actively participate in a shared life together -- sharing joy, pain, love, sorrow, success, failure, in-laws, children, pets, running out of closet space, vacations, fighting over speeding tickets or dinged fenders or whatever.
I once knew a man whose wife left him. He was completely caught off-guard, and had no idea she was unhappy. He said he was the most crushed for one reason -- he "planned" to take her to her dream vacation spot, the one place she'd always wanted to go but they had never gone, for their "upcoming anniversary." Had he made reservations? No. (The anniversary was about four months after she left him.) Had he bought tickets? No. Had he gotten information on hotels, activities, points of interest he knew she'd like, or anything of the sort? No. Had he even talked to a travel agent? No. But he "planned" on doing it, if she'd have just stayed, she'd have found that out, but he wasn't even going to tell her now, there was no point. Yeah, right. I know this man pretty well, as I've been friends with both of them for many years, and it would have been a cold day in He** before he'd have taken her there. Oh, sure, he really did think about it, and he really did "intend" to. But he was in denial, fooling himself. That is the saddest thing about it, he really believed his own delusion, that he was devoted to her needs, caring, just misunderstood and maligned. The truth is, she was afraid to breathe for their entire marriage for fear he'd "disappear". He was so noncommital and elusive about absolutely everything that she just snapped one day, realized suddenly that she *was* living alone, just with another person in the house occassionally. She really cared for him when they got married, but eventually realized she no longer loved him because he wasn't present in the relationship -- there was no one to love, actually there never had been, she just hadn't seen it as she had been misled by her own feelings and needs into seeing something that wasn't really there. So she left and never looked back. She hurt, cried, threatened to go back to him a hundred times (but luckily never told him that, just her girlfriends) but eventually the crying stopped and life resumed. She dated several guys, had fun, and finally chose one whom she has happily lived with for about five years now. She says she may not marry again but she knows now what she wants if she does.
Sweet Kara Lynne, don't sell yourself short. You did the right thing by taking care of yourself and letting go of a relationship with a man who probably means well, but who when it matters, turns away instead of embracing you and your life together. What most of us need, and I suspect you do too, is a present, caring partner who values what you value. If he wasn't giving you that these last two years, chances are very good that he's unwilling or unable to give it to you at all.
Praying for you that you feel better, in all ways, and have the peace and strength to do what I know you can -- use this as a springboard to a new and better life, when you're ready. It feels like a sad ending, but you can make it a new beginning. I have Faith that you will.
bozeman
poster:bozeman
thread:213632
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030326/msgs/213973.html