Posted by Alara on December 20, 2002, at 4:56:46
In reply to Re: Alara, posted by ROO on December 19, 2002, at 8:35:34
> Keep us updated, Alara...after writing my upbeat
> positive post to you, (was feeling quite "normal"
> that day, having a good day), I ended up having a meltdown
> day, feeling like a screw up, that I would be forever, etc. etc.
> It's so hard to even think straight or function when you start
> to downspiral like that. I felt really defeated b/c I had been feeling
> so good.
>
> Anyway....I hope this job works out......and I hope you start
> feeling a little more peace...depression/anxiety/paranoia sure makes
> the head a hellish place, I know.
Hi Roo,It seems that you and I traded places today. Sorry to hear that you day turned into such a nightmare...With this kind of illness our days are always so unpredictable. My day actually improved this afternoon. Firstly, it was Friday, meaning that I had almost made it through my first full week in the new job! I also ducked out of the office at around 2pm to call my old pdoc (who knows me very well) for her suggestions on a suitable AD. Knowing that I had an appointment with my GP after work, I was able to relax a little and focus on my work. (It was such a tremendous relief to finally be able to tell another human being about what I have been going through. I have been bottling this up all week. You friends here were my only support until this afternoon. Thanks again!)
My pdoc actually recommended that I start on Cipramil (Celexa). I have done a lot of soul searching to arrive at the final decision to take ADs again..As you know, I am terrified of being alienated from the sensitive person who I really am again. (Sensitivity is a curse but it's also a strength. That's the paradox for many of us.) But at the moment I don't have the luxury to choose between getting meaning out of life and earning a living. The truth is that this probably won't even bother me once the ADs kick in. :-)
When I saw my GP this afternoon, he seemed a little alarmed at the anxious state that I was in. (I broke down into tears because I was so relieved to be telling all this to an understanding person face-to-face. When I cry, it's often very cathartic for me, but I think it scares even the medical professionals, because I really appear to be losing it.) Anyway, he wrote the script for the Cipramil/Celexa and gave me a repeat for the Xanax. He said that I could call him after hours at home if I ever needed help. (I would never dream of imposing on his time, but I was really touched by his generosity.)
I am crying right now as I am sitting in front of the computer, but my tears are more a sign of relief than of despair. TGIF! Thank God I'm not the only person who is going through this kind of thing. And yes, thank God for doctors and (if somewhat begrudgingly)for drugs...
Keep your chin up, Roo. Keep saying those mantras. I firmly believe that every little thing that we do helps.
poster:Alara
thread:33537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021218/msgs/33674.html