Posted by Mikhail99 on December 18, 2002, at 9:19:29
In reply to Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 2:33:27
> Well, I was feeling really proud of myself. After coming off Effexor in August, I gradually cut down my drinking to normal levels, started St John's Wort/Vitamin B, and thought that I'd had my anxiety problem licked. In fact, I was doing even better than I was while on ADs!
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> The problem was that I wasn't in full-time employment at the time. I had Xanax to tide me over during brief temp assignments with an employer who was already very familiar to me. The rest of the time I lived a hermit-like existence, only occasionally seeing my boyfriend. I was happy on my own with my hobbies and my cat and even enjoyed the odd brief social interaction. For the first time in years, I was capable of feeling like a normal person without ADs or alcohol. I had a strong inner conviction that if I continued to ease rehabilitate myself, I'd be able to live a normal life.
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> On Friday I was thrust back into the world of full-time permanent employment for the first time in 3 years. I am freaking out. After breaking up with my boyfriend last week, I am feeling very unattractive and am also facing a couple of old unresolved conflicts concerning my sexuality and other things. I feel as though these conflicts are obvious because I am very shy and have this body dysmorphic/awkward body language thing. This makes me CONSTANTLY uptight about what others are thinking and saying about me..I know that other people probably have better things to do than to talk and laugh about me, but every time I hear someone talk or laugh around me, I do an incredible amount of self-referencing. (It's all that I can do to disguise my paranoia by not turning around every time somebody laughs.)
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> I also have trouble coping with all the noise around me in the office and can't concentrate on the work that I'm supposed to be doing. Since starting this job, I've had to go home for lunch every day and take half a Xanax to stop all the insecure thoughts in my head!)
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> At the core I am just extremely sensitive. I know that people probably do think that I'm extremely odd as I am highly unusual. (I relate totally to the recent social anxiety thread in this forum.) The core of my paranoia is that I feel so uncomfortable about myself that it is showing in my body language and that is making other people feel uncomfortable around me. (That is probably the main reason why I never fit in.)
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> My biggest fear is that I have paranoid schizophrenia. Can a person really be a paranoid if they are totally aware that they are paranoid, or is this social anxiety? I had 4 years of therapy and have been told that I cannot be psychotic as I have very good self-insight, but those feelings of paranoia are torturing me at the moment.
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> I don't want to sell my soul and my physical health to antipsychotics or even antidepressants. My mother cried after I came of Effexor and told me how glad she was to have her daughter back. I'm hoping that I'm just going through an adjustment period. (Imagine going from having almost NO interaction with anyone to suddenly having a full time job and breaking up with your boyfriend in one week!) My boyfriend also really hurt me, leaving me with very poor self-esteem regarding my social skills and physical appearance. I can't afford a psychiatrist but have seen a GP, who says that my problem is anxiety.
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> I was doing so well before this and probably would have been OK if I had eased myself back into the workforce via part time work. I just want to feel like a normal human being for once. Instead I feel like a paranoid freak.
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> I just feel like bursting into tears at the moment but I know that I'll be exhausted at work tomorrow if I let myself cry tonight. Will have a good cry on the weekend. I know that I am basically a very strong person but right now I feel like a twig that is about to snap.
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> Please, I don't want a lecture on my need to see a psychiatrist or to try this drug or that. I will take care of that when my financial situation improves. However, I would appreciate any insight to the possible nature of my condition (anxiety vs paranoia). Nobody ever seems to talk about feelings of paranoia and right now I feel really alone.
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> Am I really the only person in the world who suffers from this kind of paranoia? I have never met anyone like me.No, you're not the only one who feels this way, social anxiety just SUCKS! I'm always convinvced that people want nothing to do with me or they think I'm weird whenever I open my mouth. So I tend to avoid social situations because it's not worth the worry and anxiety they bring on. It makes my husband nuts that I never want to do anything with our friends but I'm only comfortable with him and even that's getting to be aggravating.
No lecture but there are meds that can help. I took paxil for awhile and found it a tremendous help BUT I had a lot of problems stopping it. I don't really recommend it but maybe another SSRI?Have you heard of "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"? It has a lot of information about GAD and social anxiety and ways to cope.
You may feel like a paranoid freak but you're not! I think one of the worst things about anxiety is how it feeds on itself and grows. Something I've learned in therapy is positive self-talk during some of these bad moments. It doesn't always work but sometimes I can stop my anxieties from spiraling out of control by reminding myself that I am anxious and that my perceptions of others may not be accurate at that moment. It's hard to remember but I find the more I do it, the easier it gets.
I hope in all my blathering here, I've said something helpful for you. Just please know that all of us with anxiety disorders feel like you do and you're not a freak.
Take care!
poster:Mikhail99
thread:33537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021218/msgs/33553.html