Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 8:57:43
In reply to Re: Being good = Being cared for-Dinah, posted by Kath on August 29, 2002, at 16:15:22
> Dinah - how old is your child?
He's six. Started kindergarten this year. :)
>
> I have some thoughts/comments.
>
> I'm 55 & have a 26 year old daughter & an 18 year old son. Sometimes I feel like I've done a shitty job of being a parent because my kids have done a lot of drinking & drugs (daugter is clean & sober for 4 years so she's safely through it). My son is still doing drugs, not working - quit school after Grade 10.
>
> BUT, when I look at who they are inside as people, they're pretty wonderful people.
>
That's a terrific attitude. And congratulations to your daughter! That's hard work.> I think it's really important to separate behaviour from the individual. I cringe in stores or parks when I hear people say to children, "GOOD GIRL!" or "GOOD BOY!" It must make the child believe that he/she can be good or bad, when actually, it's their BEHAVIOUR that can be good or bad.
>
Hmm. I try with that, but don't always succeed. I do tell him it's his behavior, and I even try the montessori method of saying, instead of I'm so proud of you, wow what a nice drawing, you must be proud of working so hard on it. See, I don't even do it particularly well as an example. :) So I at least try to do both. But I do often tell him what a terrific little boy I think he is. (And of course it's true.)> My son & I will often tell each other we love each other. During the past 3 years (it feels like 5!) "raising" him has been a tremendous challenge. Another way of saying it, I suppose is "It's been the pits". :-(((((
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I can imagine. But it's terrific that you can it hasn't alienated the two of you and you can still express caring for each other.
> But I still love him big-time. Even though his actions (or inactions) have resulted in him not living in our home at various times, I always tell him I love him big-time no matter WHAT he does.
>
Yes, I try to tell my son that. And he says he understands, but....> I don't know how old your child is, but even if they're little, they'd understand, "I love you soooo much. Even when you do stuff that I DON'T like!!!!!!! Everybody makes mistakes sometimes & everybody does stuff that's not really too good sometimes, but I'll always love you no matter WHAT."
>
Trouble is my son doesn't give me too many chances to tell him that. He's a little worrywart and tries to be very good all the time. But I do try to get the message across when he does give me the opportunity. And every once in a while, I'll ask him why I love him and we go through all the wonderful things he does and I tell him yes, I'm proud of him for that but that's not why I love him. Then we end up with I love him because he's him. It's something of a game at this point but I hope it sinks in.
> Isn't being a parent hard?! Jeez!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Warm thoughts, KathBoy isn't it though. And it doesn't come naturally to me. It seems that every thing you do has both positive and negative overtones, so you're bound to screw up somehow.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your kids. That probably helped your daughter when she was turning her life around. And it will be a help to your son should he decide to do so too.
poster:Dinah
thread:29391
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020829/msgs/29598.html