Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 17:49:28
I wish I knew how to give my son the deep down knowledge that he doesn't have to be good or do wonderful things to be loved and cared for.
I don't have that knowledge, and I don't know if my husband does either, but I think it is the most wonderful gift you can give a child. That even if I saw down deep into the darkest recesses of his soul, where all his "bad" thoughts hide, that I would still love him.
I think I'm making the same mistake with him that my mother made with me and my husband's mother made with him. They thought we were wonderful and were always happy to tell us so. They told us we were wonderful so often that we felt like we *had* to be wonderful. That if we didn't live up to their expectations that we were horrible. Not because they said so, but just because they thought so highly of us and how could we let them down? And it worked too. We were the most straight laced and well behaved kids and teens you ever could see. Totally responsible college students. Never gave our parents a bit of trouble. (Well, not counting the years when I was deeply depressed and horribly phobic. But my mother promptly "forgot" about those the minute they were over. Maybe even before they were over.)
So we both grew up with OCD traits and being terrified of making a mistake.
If there is one mistake that my mom made and that I'm repeating, that is it. I think my son is wonderful and I tell him so often. It doesn't sound so horrible, but I want him to also know that I love him for being him. I try to remember to tell him that from time to time, but I don't know. He worries about being good all the same.
Did anyone's mom really make them feel like they didn't have to be good to be loved? And if so, how?
poster:Dinah
thread:29391
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29391.html