Posted by Greg A. on August 27, 2002, at 14:09:12
In reply to Ramblings...feeling alone and pathetic..., posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42
Roo,
May I join the pathetic individual’s social society as well? We both know it’s the disease talking but it certainly seems real doesn’t it. Your description of the ups and downs of your day really fits for me right now. I just can’t seem to get past the idea that nothing is worthwhile and there is no purpose to my life. I am sure from the outside looking in, I appear to have a full life and even I can total up the balance sheet and see that there are a lot of pluses. So why does it feel so empty and futile? Even the simplest task sets me wondering, ‘Why bother?’ Or, ‘It’s too much effort.’ Like you I seem to be in constant turmoil with meds. And damn it! They always seem to work . . . for awhile. If they didn’t work at all, perhaps I wouldn’t know that there was anything better.
I find it hard to deal with the quick return to a depressed state. It seems I no sooner started to feel relief from my last depressed episode, than I began another. I just feel lost in the sense of something that gives purpose and meaning to my life. Surely I am not here to mechanically perform chores, go to work, drive kids around and so on. Where did the pleasure go? Where did the anticipation of another day go? I do not dread each day so much as I see another series of tasks to get through. It does not take long until you are looking for some way to break out of this rut.
I feel like I am useless at my job . . . though I am not.
I feel a failure as a father . . . though I am not.
I worry that friends and colleagues have no respect for me . . . but I have little for myself
I am indifferent and irritable toward my wife . . . who does more to help me than anyone.
I desperately crave things I think will make me happy . . . though I know they won’t.
I often think of suicide as an escape from fear . . . but I am too frightened to do it.
Do I qualify as pathetic?
poster:Greg A.
thread:29367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29371.html