Posted by Roo on August 27, 2002, at 13:01:42
Pretty much off meds for the last few weeks...just
a few granules of effexor to keep the withdrawal at bay...
I'm feeling really oversensitive...crying a lot, thinking
all my friends hate me (I just accidentally typed 'help' me)
an interesting positive Freudian slip. Just miserable.
And at the same time, my body is coming to life...I don't instantaneously
put on weight everytime I eat something...I'm having the most killer
orgasms...and I am moved to tears sometimes by JOY too. Most of
the time I'm sitting around crying and feeling really crappy about
myself and thinking that everybody hates me. This is the main reason
I went on drugs...so I could have peace of mind, and interact with other
human beings in a somewhat "normal" way.
I write a monthly interview for a paper here and I was going to interview
this famous astrologer that I REALLY like a lot....I've been a big fan
of his for a long time...it was like going to interview my hero. But I
was crying the whole way there, praying that the tears would stop and that
I could act normal just for an hour, just long enough to interview him.
I was crying because I can't seem to get over this past relationship I
was in....it was only a 6 month relationship and it's been 3 months and
I still cry over him, get angry over it. One of my friends sent me an email
that mentioned his name and I just burst into tears. I did the same thing
yesterday. I thought "why am I not over this guy? Why? Is it just depression and
has nothing to do with him?" Something tells me if I was on meds I would be
over this by now and it's the depression keeping me stuck on it. I think thoughts
like 'he doesn't even think twice about me', and 'I'll always be alone because of
depression, no one will be able to deal with me or vice versa'. Just doom and gloom
man.....
I don't know what I'm even trying to get across now...I just long for
some sense of human connection. But I feel so damn pathetic and lonely and
unhappy that I know I can't really connect in any sort of positive or authentic, two
way street kind of way. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm so afraid I'm going to
be alone for the rest of my life, that depression will continue to swallow everything
that gets in it's path.
My meds have been totally screwed for the past 4 months. Nothing has
worked right. I've got a sample of prozac weekly to try (and topamax)
but I've been putting off starting it because I've been enjoying these orgasms
so much and I know that'll all be history once I'm on those freaking numbing-ass
ssri's. I'm so bitter about that. I know some people think that stuff is
petty and that I should just take my meds and suck it up, but I don't care--that's
how I feel. It makes me really bitter that I have to trade my sexual self for my
sanity. I'm also supposed to start acupuncture for depression this week, and so I'm trying
to hold off for that reason too. Even though I really don't feel it's going
to work. I just have a feeling. Maybe it's just because I don't feel hopeful about
much of anything lately. I feel like such a pathetic human being, I really do.Anyway, I ended up being able to interview the astrologer guy
without crying. It was a good interview. By the time we were
through, I didn't feel as sad about the Ex anymore. When I went
home for lunch there was a birthday card from the Ex. Very, very
short (I hope you're happy in your life, happy birthday, thank you for what
we shared), but I was touched that he remembered and that he bothered. It
was really nice. I'm still so not over him.That's it folks. Write me. Please. I'm beggin' ya.
I aint too proud to beg. This disease definitely teaches
you humility doesn't it. Hmmm...that might be a good thread
to start...what has our depression taught us...given us, that
we wouldn't have had otherwise?
poster:Roo
thread:29367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29367.html