Posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 14:27:20
In reply to 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888, posted by LiLi80 on April 26, 2002, at 12:18:24
You know, Lili, I would love to give you some words of encouragement, but I am in the exact same f****** boat. I feel horribly, and I want to die. I can't write all of my f****** papers (all 35 pages of them) by next week, and I can't deal with people anymore. I woke up this morning with this really bizarre feeling- I'm very calm, and I feel like today is my last day. It's very strange. It's like I woke up and said, "Wow. I'm going to die today. Ok. Whatever," and went along with my day. I tried to talk to my boyfriend, but I couldn't get the words out. He knows that I'm not ok, but he has no clue how badly off I am. I just went to the store and bought a huge bottle of vodka, and I've got enough pills to kill three people, I bet. I'm kind of sad, but not really upset. I feel like I've given all that I can give for as long as I could give it, and I'm just out of energy. I had a really weird dream last night (in the few hours that I could actually sleep)- I dreamed that I was trying to ride a bike up a really steep hill, and that I kept falling down and hurting myself. I got more and more frustrated and more and more injured with every attempt. Finally, I fell down, and I didn't have enough strength to get up. All of the sudden, a sense of peace came over me, and I realized that it was ok- that I tried my hardest, and I couldn't do it, but that it was ok. Anyway, I'm going to be a total hypocrite and say that you shouldn't kill yourself. You are a valuable, loved person, and you can't give up yet. Unfortunately, I bet you won't believe me. It's the truth, though. I, on the other hand, am nothing but a burden that drags down everyone around me. They deny this, but I know it's true. Oh well. I don't want to hurt them, but I think I'm doing them a favor in the long run. They don't realize that I'm really not going to get better, and I'm going to be this huge burden for my entire life. I can't do that to them, even if I could get through it. Anyway, I'm tired, so I'm going to go...
-Manda
poster:Manda
thread:22664
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22666.html