Posted by Shar on April 25, 2002, at 0:12:55
In reply to Re: ...LiLi80 , posted by Phil on April 24, 2002, at 23:08:58
Phil's use of the phrase 'happy endings' made this spew forth from me.
In my therapy group recently members have been sculpting our families of origin (sort of a role play thing) and mine began with the question "what killed my spirit?" After the sculpt (which is vomitously painful) it is pretty normal for old thoughts and feelings to crop up, but there is also a new perspective in which to view these things due to the exercise.
Well, finally, I sort of identified one of the undercurrents of grief that run thru me at all times. It was that I always wanted a happy ending. In younger days, it was always very fairy tale-ish.
So, that in itself was a good thing to know. Then I did some work on...what would a happy ending look like to me now. And, it was nice to have sort of a realistically attainable vision of it. [And NOT have to take some crappy, lame picture of life and just CALL it a happy ending. I've done enough of that kind of stuff ....starting with "it's not agony, it's discomfort."]
The harder part of the happy ending knowledge is knowing that it is highly unlikely I'll have one. I've always thought 50 years was enough. And, it is extremely doubtful that after decades of therapy and years of meds and med changes, if it ain't changed yet, it probably won't.
Don't mean to be a bummer here. Phil's phrase just reminded me about that.
I think everyone should wait til they're 50 to seriously consider suicide. It's not a decision that should be made IMHO during a terrible depression (really!).
If anyone else here is like me, I often wait until really bad times in my life to "solve" problems like loneliness, or fear of going under, etc. When, actually, I do believe that is NOT the best time to do that. The only thing to resolve when feeling really bad, is hanging with it until one has a better hand hold. Then, work on the other stuff.
LiLi, I hope your choice right now will be pro-living. You are under a ton of stress, depression, and stuff like school that you don't have control over--and it would be terrible to go out because of those things being so overwhelming. This sounds like a good time to hang in. Later, after you've resolved some of the big biggies, you can always think about going south.
Shar
> I'm not saying you are just wanting attention. I am seriously worried that you will do something that will never be undone.
> Question..If all of us want to live, why did one of us just kill themselves. sar..I didn't know her that well from here but it just stunned me and everyone else.
> Sometimes, I've wanted to kill myself because I was depressed, then a girlfriend leaves. I want to blow my ass away just to show her, etc. I'm angry at everybody and I know how to deeply hurt everyone in my life thats ever cared about me. Hey, they all get to share a little guilt: was it something I said or did?
> If I find myself terminally ill in the future, on my last legs, so to speak. And severe pain is constant. Nobody's taking my 38.
> But I'll fight this stinking disease til my final breath and I will never give up. It is not an option.
> Why not live to find your own happiness. Fuck what the rest of the world thinks. Go do what makes you happy, or used to.
> Life is short, you weren't put on this earth to suffer and neither was I. We got dealt this hand.
> Like Scott Peck says in The Road Less Travelled, first three words. Life is difficult. Once you understand that, life becomes easier.
> Stick around LiLi80, I've got more boring stories.
> Your story needs to have a happy ending..maybe 30-50 years from now. When you believe it, you'll see it.
poster:Shar
thread:22569
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22596.html