Posted by Anna Laura on March 6, 2002, at 11:09:44
In reply to feel guilty because I feel better., posted by JohnX2 on March 6, 2002, at 2:02:02
>
> Hi,
>
> Haven't posted here before. gonna ramble
> so watch out.
>
> I'm worn torn, tired, pooped, beaten up.
> But I'm left here standing back on my feet.
>
> Took me 3 yrs and many physicians to get good
> treatment and feel pretty comfortable with
> where I can go with my life.
>
> But now I feel sad. Sad because there are so
> many people out there going through what I did
> who maybe don't have the resolve/resources
> whatever to get treatment and attain
> a dignified quality of life.
>
> Which is really what this is about for me,
> reevaluating what it is to have "quality of life".
>
> I was on the fast track with my career, making
> lots of money, nice education. But did I really
> stop and enjoy the little things? No. Not till
> after this last episode where I finally had to
> leave work on disability. Then I had a few
> swings back in to major depression after mania.
> I stopped obsessing about getting my career back
> on track. Started to think about little things
> that are important to make me happy on a day by
> day basis. I got a flat tire and walked a few
> miles to the gas station to get a can of air to
> pump up my tire. I never would have done this
> before, even when I felt well. I just wanted to
> enjoy being alive, looking at the trees, watching
> other smiling people with their babies. It felt
> good.
>
> So now I feel better. I realize a lot of this
> is psychological as well as chemical. Now that
> I am not hyperfocused on getting myself well and
> rejuvinated by enjoying these new things to
> treasure in life, I feel so sad and guilty that other people aren't
> feeling well to experience the same.
>
> Despondant.
>
> John
Hi John,
Believe me, i can understand perfectly what you're going through.
I'm not feeling that good at the moment, ( anhedonia again! ) but i did experience a few good, rather promising days : i felt like i was about to come out of that damn tunell.
I had a few moments during which i could feel life again: feelings weren't so strong like before, but i was confident that if only i could have held back those feelings a little longer, they would have grown stronger and stronger
I was sure if those moments had persisted i'd have came back to normal life wihin a few months.I felt kind of guilty also. I was thinking about all that people who have been left behind me in sorrow and despair.
You know, human being are very presumptuous creatures.
They think they deserve what they have when they feel good. They don't even think about the eventuality of loosing everything they have.
They think they can control their own destiny.
I used to think that too.
After years of self interrogation, psychoterapy, and meds switching and i don't believe in that anymore. I've seen a lot of immature and neurotic people who have recovered from depression. A woman i used to know had a spontenous recovery after two years (lucky her). Despite her 36 years, she was very childlish and immature: she was envious and had a horrible temper also. She believed she had healed because of a silly new-age like psychotherapy. She insisted i had to do the same. When i said no, she would say something like: "Well, if you go on like that, you'll never recover: you don't feel the energy of the universe because you're egocentric and you never question yourself! "
You're not like that woman John, you're a very sensitive and caring person and you're humble enough to realize that sometimes pure luck or unexpected events that we don't seem to control play a role in the recovery process.
Don't get me wrong, sure hard work it's a very important part of this process, but sometimes we don't know exactly what did the trick.
Don't feel guilty, enjoy it! Don't turn backwards and think about yourself : you deserve it.
Bump in from time to time to let us know how you're doing.My best wishes
Anna Laura
poster:Anna Laura
thread:19372
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020305/msgs/19391.html