Posted by paula on February 2, 2002, at 12:44:52
In reply to Re: self-hate as the easy way out. » paula, posted by Krazy Kat on February 1, 2002, at 18:49:04
Actually, Krazy Kat, I feel incredibly liberated by having talked about it. I'll avoid employing (too much) psycho-babble here. I think I just hadn't realized how hard the whole episode was for me. What's odd is that the fallout from the college "soulmate" problem coincided with a few years of soulsearching on my part. It was a time in which--I thought--I was really pulling myself up by the bootstraps, getting over my perfectionism, becoming more sociable and comfortable with myself. All of that is true, but I guess I thought I could do all of that independent of any emotional life. I have a long history of thinking (feeling, actually) unworthy of love. THis episode was the last straw--the nail in the coffin--of my ability to trust people. So, I've felt very liberated and validated (PB alert!) by finding out that I wasn't hallucinating the intimacy I had with this best-best-friend. (It was a completely platonic but very intense relationship. In the short, pathetic history of my emotional life, it therefore looms large.) I'm a little astonished at my feelings this week. I thought it was a big deal, but didn't think it was THAT big a deal. So I guess I'm mildly reeling...in a very good way. I'm seeing some light at the end of my long emotionally-stunted tunnel. (OK, mixed metaphor, but you get the idea.)
Thanks for asking, and sorry for dragging on.
paula
> paula:
>
> thanks for the note! I don't even know anymore what is, or isn't, mania. According to the "Book", you can have psychotic features during an episode. Do mine "count"? I don't know.
>
> What has come from your talks about the soulmate?
>
> - KK
poster:paula
thread:17351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020202/msgs/17728.html