Posted by galtin on November 5, 2001, at 8:07:06
In reply to Re: Hello » kiddo, posted by Kristi on November 4, 2001, at 1:38:36
> > > > I just wanted to say hi, and although I've basically disappeared, I'm still around-just losing my mind by trying to improve it!!!
> > >
> > > En route to improvement???? Glad you checked in... hope your doing ok.
> > I'm trying but it's getting so hard again-It hit me yesterday-to make a long story short I feel like it's never gonna end.
> It WILL end.... at least some of the intensity will go away if you hang in their. Your married right? Is your husband in any way supportive? I wish I had the perfect words in situations like this.... but I hope you can maybe take comfort in knowing I know how you feel. I wish I had a little magic wand..... to help you with.
> I also can relate when you brought up the holidays. Am totally dreading it. We'll all have to try and get thru them together.
> Pleeeeeeeeeease hang in there. P.s. When is your next pdoc appt?
Adding my two cents to Kristi's two cents. Don't give up, Kiddo. I have felt what you describe several times and for lengths of time that felt forever--six months, eight months, ten months. Somebody I knew during the eight month siege, somebody who seemed never to have been depressed for even a day in his life, asked, "So depession makes you pretty depressed, huh?" I was trying to figure the question out but he reformulated, "So, depression makes you feel negative."
I had not response at the time. Later I thought about it and realized that for me, anyway, depression never made me feel anything. Depression did not lead me to despair. It WAS despair and hopelessness and of such an intensity that there was no external perspective from which to examine it.
Sometimes I did give up. I gave up trying to function, I gave us trying to fight the depression, and would just give myself to it. I am not sure just what the hell this means, but it helped me survive. Plus there were people who reminded me that I was ill, after all, and that
my present perceptions were distorted by disease.
A friend told me that I had to promise not to harm myself while my judgement was marred by depression. He said I had an obligation to make this weighty decision on the basis of sound mental health. That was too complicated for me to understand at the time.
I hope you go to the doctor on Wednesday. I felt just as you do numerous times;even when my doctor could not do much for me, it was some desperate act of hopefulness to get myself there.
Where I live in the Northeast we are enjoying the third gorgeous day in a row. The colors are slightly past peak, but there are still beautiful trees all over. When I was depressed I struggled to maintain some connection with the external world and this has since become one guard against future relapses. I hope that there is something pretty and reviving for you to look at.
And don't surrender to your present state of mind. Your feelings are not facts. Your despair, if it is like mine, is opportunistic and will sieze on any negative thoughts in order to secure its position.
Good luck with your doctor. At least he apparently listens.