Posted by kiddo on November 5, 2001, at 19:21:23
In reply to Re: Hello Kiddo Kristi, posted by galtin on November 5, 2001, at 8:07:06
Snipped mine for space...
> > It WILL end.... at least some of the intensity will go away if you hang in their. Your married right? Is your husband in any way supportive? I wish I had the perfect words in situations like this.... but I hope you can maybe take comfort in knowing I know how you feel. I wish I had a little magic wand..... to help you with.
> > I also can relate when you brought up the holidays. Am totally dreading it. We'll all have to try and get thru them together.
> >
> > Pleeeeeeeeeease hang in there. P.s. When is your next pdoc appt?
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> Adding my two cents to Kristi's two cents. Don't give up, Kiddo. I have felt what you describe several times and for lengths of time that felt forever--six months, eight months, ten months. Somebody I knew during the eight month siege, somebody who seemed never to have been depressed for even a day in his life, asked, "So depession makes you pretty depressed, huh?" I was trying to figure the question out but he reformulated, "So, depression makes you feel negative."
>
yes, it does make a difference when you are surrounded by people that have never 'been there'. It also makes a difference when you have to keep up with your responsibilities (is that right? there seem to be an awful lot of i's in there). I do all of the office part of my husband's business, and must say that I'm getting behind at this point.
> I had not response at the time. Later I thought about it and realized that for me, anyway, depression never made me feel anything. Depression did not lead me to despair. It WAS despair and hopelessness and of such an intensity that there was no external perspective from which to examine it.
>
I also feel that way-but my feelings change so much while I'm depressed. Sometimes I'm so down and 'sad' for lack of a better word, that I can't function. Other times, I can't feel anything because of it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm also able to mask it pretty well. People don't realize how intense it is, because I've dealt with it so long.
> Sometimes I did give up. I gave up trying to function, I gave us trying to fight the depression, and would just give myself to it. I am not sure just what the hell this means, but it helped me survive. Plus there were people who reminded me that I was ill, after all, and that
> my present perceptions were distorted by disease.
> A friend told me that I had to promise not to harm myself while my judgement was marred by depression. He said I had an obligation to make this weighty decision on the basis of sound mental health. That was too complicated for me to understand at the time.
I do know what you are talking about, and agree with you, except that last part....How can you make a decision on the basis of sound mental health if you are not 'sound' in mental health?Another problem is that I have no friends here, except when they want something. When I need something, or just want to talk-not necessarily about anything-just 'chat', no one has time, or wants to be bothered-they don't need anything. I wish I had one friend that would chat about a funny movie, how the Chiefs are lousy this year, the fact that it's still awesome here considering it's October, that will listen when I need to vent about no one picking up after themselves, or why the washer decided to stop working in the middle of the wash cycle. As well as the times, I need to hear it will be ok, even though it looks as if there's no hope....I'll stop there, I'm sure you get the drift.... Sometimes it would be nice to hear a person's voice on the phone, not reading text, if you know what I mean....I don't know, maybe I'm being trivial....
> I hope you go to the doctor on Wednesday. I felt just as you do numerous times;even when my doctor could not do much for me, it was some desperate act of hopefulness to get myself there.
>Well, I think I will, unless he cancels, he had a patient die, so I'm not really sure. I do need to go, and I know that, because he does listen, even when I don't say a word, he knows me that well. He can look at me, and pretty much tell if something is bothering me...and pretty much nail down what it is...I really appreciate that with him.
> Where I live in the Northeast we are enjoying the third gorgeous day in a row. The colors are slightly past peak, but there are still beautiful trees all over. When I was depressed I struggled to maintain some connection with the external world and this has since become one guard against future relapses. I hope that there is something pretty and reviving for you to look at.
>
> And don't surrender to your present state of mind. Your feelings are not facts. Your despair, if it is like mine, is opportunistic and will sieze on any negative thoughts in order to secure its position.
>
> Good luck with your doctor. At least he apparently listens.
>I really appreciate the kind words, they do mean a lot...I won't say much here because I've said so much already, but I am greatful for your comments and concern.
> galtin
Kiddo
poster:kiddo
thread:13318
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011105/msgs/13543.html