Posted by sar on October 14, 2001, at 23:57:29
In reply to Re: Dependence on therapists Dinah Cass, posted by galtin on October 13, 2001, at 22:18:16
> >
> > >And since I no longer loath myself, I can >learn, if I so choose, from my mistakes.
> >
> > Hi Galtin,
> > May I ask what the source of your self-loathing was? Was it depression alone, or were you a child abuse victim or was there some other source? If you are uncomfortable with the question, there's no pressure to answer. I'm interested, that's all.
> > Cass
>
>
> Cass,
>
> Take one father whose expectations of me I could not fulfill, a mother who was an emotional cipher, and my naturally defiant temperament. Add a 13 year career in the ordained ministry marked by steadily progressive alcoholism. Add a liberal dose of personal hypocrisy. The public persona of a respectable and successful minister colliding with a private life morally and logistically out of control. Finally, subtract the quart of vodka a day, add a public booting from the ministry, shake in a sudden, searing shame, and there it was- rabid self hate.
>
> This is the short answer to your question, near as I can figure it looking back eleven years. Alcohol triggered my first depressive episode. Everything else described above led to a pattern of chronically relapsing depression.
>
> Above all, I generated my self-hate by my continually self-destructive behavior. I didn't reckon this until I stopped drinking, and then it was too late to prevent the self-hatred from bulldozing its way over my weakened defenses. I tried, by force of will, to drive the hatred right back out of my life. But, eventually I realized that it had been burrowed into my personality as far back into my childhood as I could remember. After trying everything I could come up with, and bereft of other options, I had to surrender before I got anywhere. After surrendering, I needed to change how I acted and thought, one little bit at a time. Ah, what a wonder it is to finally grow up. And I am still at it.
>
> I hope this makes some sort of sense to you.
>
>
> galtinthank you for this post.
i can't put it into words at this moment, but it touched me alot.
best,
sar
poster:sar
thread:12459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12564.html