Posted by Wendy B. on September 24, 2001, at 11:28:58
In reply to Control issues..., posted by Krazy Kat on September 24, 2001, at 10:17:58
sar,
this is so painful, i'm sorry it has stayed on your mind... i must confess, i always wondered what you made of that experience. i guess it's only now coming to the surface. sometimes we have to block things out for a while, i mean, you have been feeling so much better with the prozac & neurontin. i know that feeling, finding calm after the storm. it's good to talk about the possible 'rape' situation, though. everyone here is giving it thoughtful attention, as always...
i think krazy kat/kelly is right, as usual. it's an issue of control, whether you felt in or out of it, whether you felt abused or not, and would you know the difference, since, as you say, you were abused as a child. that's a tough one. if abuse gets to be second nature, like, oh that's a natural occurrence, then how can you tell who cares about you, when the people who were supposed to be taking care of you betrayed you as a little girl. they betrayed your trust, and abuse became the norm. of course you are having a hard time 'labeling' the incident, i.e., was it rape or not?.
all any of us can do now is own up to our own behavior, and take responsibility for our actions. for you, sar, i think it's all part of the eye-opening series of events (the car wreck, DWI), that booze won't dull the pain any more. it seems, seemed, like it was your friend, you enjoyed it. but look at the horror of the situation you were in. you could have gotten aids. or an std that could ruin your reproductive system, or far worse, etc, etc, etc.
it's a self-destructive cycle, and very common for the bipolar person: acting impulsively, getting howling drunk practically every day, spending too much money, and in this case, getting 'raped' and being too drunk to stop the thing from happening. having consensual sex, but doing it impulsively, as in having affairs behind your lover's back, all that is symptomatic. i hope you don't take what i'm saying the wrong way... i'm just trying to put it in perspective of the supposed traits of the bipolar personality. these are typical symptoms of the disease. i know your diagnosis is an issue, but i'd have to lean toward bipolar...
you're now on meds, and are able to take apart the things that have happened to you, now, once your brain has cleared because of the good effects on the neurotransmitters. but then the pain comes back, and you have to delve deeper... and that's very hard. it will take a long time to sort it all out.
just curious: if your parents did this to you, what happened to make it stop? you're living with them now, right? i bet you have an incredible amount of PTSD, maybe that's why you bonded with this new friend, because you have similar issues...? just a hunch...
i hope you answer kristi's question... where are you today?
love, natch,
W.> Pax brings up date rape. There were a couple of times in college where I would say I was "date raped" but at the same time I look back on it as very misguided decisions on my part.
>
> I've also had sex with my husband and not "remembered it."
>
> I had a friend who was sexually abused as a child so I do look at the acts differently.
>
> Jane - we know you were giving legal advice and that you are a caring person. It is helpful.
>
> All that said, I know at least somewhat how crummy you feel. Of course he shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation. And you'll never know exactly what happened. At least I've never regained those memories. And it makes me so angry. At myself. At the other person. At my inability to treat myself like I would my own child.
>
> My guess is, you're not taking care of yourself yet, maybe partly because of the abuse from earlier years. But you will, Sar. The meds will help. You won't feel the need to drink as much, or put yourself in such dangerous situations, if you're like me. Of course you may start smoking again at age thirty.
>
> - K.
poster:Wendy B.
thread:11709
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11724.html