Posted by Patches on July 1, 2001, at 13:45:21
So many mixed feelings. Just need someone to put some perspective into it. I feel somewhat betrayed by my t. and yet ashamed of myself too. I've emailed my t. about once a week with his consent. Occasionally I've over-extended myself when things have come up. It felt assuring to know he was there for me. Well, last week I couldn't get through to him. His server was denying my access. He later told me his wife said that the server was more than likely linking my server to some spam that had gone through and had stopped any mail for the time under that server. I feel betrayed in that he shared my situation with his wife. I'm sure they had a good laugh together about my insecurities. I'm also so ashamed that I've shared too much of myself and my feelings with him. Somehow telling him made me feel not so alone dealing with past and present events. Now I just want to go back to hating myself and dealing with my anger myself - cutting (something I hadn't done for 2 months). I'm so ashamed of myself for bothering him with my problems. So ashamed of depending on him for so much. So ashamed of making a fool of myself. I didn't want to bother him with my emails. I was always asking for his approval for mailing. He said my asking for his approval was "unnecessary". Now I think he was just tolerating me... like everyone else in my life. I don't believe "his wife's" story of spam. I was the spam he wanted to be rid of! I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and loss. I just need to punish myself for my foolishness. It hurts to be such a fool!
poster:Patches
thread:6975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010628/msgs/6975.html