Posted by sar on July 1, 2001, at 1:41:50
In reply to Re: Why do I seemto be so messed up? everyone, posted by Dubya on July 1, 2001, at 0:25:49
Dubya,
Well, that weed suggestion was off the wall, but I'm with Shelli on the yoga. Just buy a book and practice, it's very relaxing.
Trying too hard. Let's see. I wish I could see how you are and then I could tailor my advice to the way that you are, but all I can do is offer you my own limited personal experince/observation on "trying too hard."
Trying Too Hard is...laughing too hard, asking too many formal questions ("What's your major? What do you do for a living? Ya got a girlfriend?") Unfortunately, small talk is an art that we all must practice. Now me, I used to *smile* at people too much to show them what a nice nice person I am!--trying too hard. Or I'd interview people like I was Barbara Walters.
One of my girl friends, on the other hand, tries too hard in different ways--she cannot pass a person without saying "hi!" or conversing. Like at work, you're gonna pass a person 20 times a day, you don't want to talk to them each time. This girl was my co-worker and I became uncomfortable because she wanted to take every lunch break with me, she'd go into the restroom with me, all sorts of things like that. I sometimes felt that she was invading my personal space and trying too hard to be my friend...I was quite flattered, of course, but I lost respect for her.
I used to laugh at everyone's jokes. I'd fake-laugh my head off all day hoping it would endear me to the joke-makers. I no longer laugh at unfunny jokes--doing so, in my opinion, is trying too hard.
I have another girl friend who calls me wanting to make plans with me a week in advance--set date and time and activity...I'm more the slackerly fly-by-the-seat of my pants type, and when she tries to pencil me into her appointment book I feel trapped.
I don't know if you can relate to any of these examples at all, but I've decided to tell you about them because I have no idea how you could specifically be trying too hard. I just know what I've done and what my friends have done. Most of the girls I know like subtlety. I've had guys approach me on the street and ask me out for coffee when I've never met them in my life...like I'd go??? No! You wanna be smoove, yo...listen to some hip-hop.. :)
Here's what's worked for me--I really used to think that social success was based on Extraversion. I'm an introvert by nature, hardcore. When I try to be "outgoing," I come off as a phony--trying too hard. In the past few months I've been working on allowing myself to be true to my moods *right there in front of people* rather than being this ever-smiling pleasant girl--sometimes I'm a bitch or a grouch or gauche or don't feel like talking. My mission lately has been to let myself Be That Way.
One of the oddest outcomes of all of this is that people respect me more! I can sense it. I just want to encourage you to shoot from the hip--be true to what you're feeling, don't feel like you have to fit some sort of mold.
You sound so unique, Dubya, the best advice I can give you (generic as it sounds) is to JUST BE YOURSELF without feeling like you have to be perfect. You'd be surprised how many people feel exactly the way you do--most human beings are more than a bit self-conscious.
I am telling you this because I can relate to you. I've always had difficulties interacting w/ others. Do you have social anxiety disorder? I've been posting quite a bit lately, and if you read my other posts you'll see that xanax and klonopin have helped me quite a bit.
love,
sar
poster:sar
thread:6939
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010628/msgs/6965.html