Posted by tina on June 19, 2001, at 7:30:51
In reply to Re: Feeling a little better, posted by Rach on June 14, 2001, at 21:55:27
> Just checking in. Thanks all for your kind msgs.
>
> Haven't yet contacted the job people. Not sure what to do, whether to ring or send a letter. Just feel completely embarassed and stupid.
>
> Haven't had the urge to hurt myself again. Could just be because my head is still killing me. But you know what, I don't at all want to die. I've spoken about this before. I don't want to die, I just want a really good excuse not to have to live my life properly.
>
> One thing I have been considering recently is that I have a fear of success. Everything was going along perfectly - I was finally on the road that I wanted to be on. I found the perfect job, and had my life for the next year mapped out. I know that once all the factors like job, money, friends, and health come together, nothing could stop me from achieving success. That happened. Everything came together. Except for me - I fell apart and sabotaged it all. Am I afraid to be a success?
>
> I always thought I was the opposite - terrified of failure. But maybe in failure I find struggle. The struggle to achieve success. Because if you always fail, you always have something to strive for. But when you achieve success, then what do you do?
>
> I intellectually understand that you find different goals and then struggle to achieve them, but perhaps emotionally I am scared of that.
>
> Sorry, rambling.I've always been afraid of success and self-sabotage everything that 'could" make a success of my life.
My problem is when I succeed at something, everyone around me develops unrealistic expectations that I have absolutely no hope of living up to. I get unwanted attention and it scares me. Wonder if that's what happens to you?
Having to live up to other's expectations of us is a very hard thing to do.
poster:tina
thread:6414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6545.html