Posted by mair on June 14, 2001, at 21:39:17
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
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> Rach - sounds like you're really getting hammered by all the cruelties of our disease,like, it strikes without warning and seemingly without cause, it makes us hate ourselves, it makes us want to hurt ourselves and at times it prevents us from functioning at things like jobs. This is horrible under any circumstances but truly dreadful when you're trying to start a new job.I'm not sure I can add much to the valuable things that have been said here other than that you need to remember that you've had these feelings before and they have gone away. I will tell you that I have been through to cutting thing maybe like you. The urge wasn't always there and seemed to arise out of the blue. I did this for a few weeks, but i was able to stop before I did any serious damage, or became habit forming. Since then the urge to hurt has been overwelming at times, but i've been able to resist, even if it means getting up and leaving my house. At the time I was taking a break from therapy and it was helpful to get myself back in. In retrospect, I've wondered if cutting myself was a way of giving myself the permission to go back into therapy. On later ocassions it's helped me to remember how ashamed and embarrassed I was when I was cutting myself. I managed to keep my friends and family clueless with the judicious use of long sleeved shirts, but this is something I did talk to my therapist about and it all sounded so sophamoric to me; like this is something teenagers do, not middle aged women. I know nothing about the pathology of this behavior, but for me anyway, it seems to help if i remind myself that picking up a new problem will only take me backwards.
I'm particularly sorry about your job. The unfortunate reality of our illness, is that we can't always dazzle and shine or even function all the time. That you're relapsing at the same time that you're trying to start a new job is awful, but is it possible that the stress of this new job is contributing to the relapse? I'd love to say that you should go back there and convince them that today was an aberration, but do you really feel up to tackling this job in your current state? I do think it's important to bring some closure to this awful experience, and to that end, I would recommend that you write these folks a letter explaining that you had to stay home sick and that unfortunately you don't feel up to coming back to work quickly enough to meet their needs. This hardly breaks any records. One of my partners hired a secretary who worked until lunch time and left for lunch and just never returned or called or wrote. I hired someone once who took something like 3 sick days in the first week (not consecutive). To my knowledge the job prospects of neither woman was impaired by what happened with my office.
Please keep letting us know how you're doing.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:6414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6445.html