Posted by Doo on May 8, 2001, at 10:54:31
In reply to Re: other boats bobbing nearby, posted by mila on May 8, 2001, at 0:15:12
> 'I know I am alone in my boat, but it is so comforting to see lights of other boats, bobbing nearby, in the darkness'
> a patient in existential psychotherapy.that's the best I could feel about the loneliness - being able to see others in their loneliness. And relate to them, which is still hard for me (I'm still stuck in my defensive patterns, my armour).
> > ===I feel alone in my loneliness,
> ... that's very congruent of you :) and a good start...
> I haven't answered your post right away, Doo, please forgive me the delay, because i went orgasmic :)LOL
>(it happens to me everytime someone utters the word 'existential', my favorite ) Then i took sometime to think whether you really mean it.
I think I know what you mean- this kind of sentence can be used without really fealing it, like a kind of cliché. But I do feel it. And it's good to see other poeple, like you for instance, who face that truth. (or is it really the truth?)
>then i decided what the heck, and posted :)
I'm glad you did :)
> I would like to know more about the death wish. I have never experienced it 'entering my conscioussness', when i attempted suicide I just did it, only later it entered my conscioussnes.I know two kinds of "death wish" experiencing:
1- I feel dysphoric, and I wish a car hits me when I cross the street. (This is the less intense) More intense, when I drive my car and have an impulse coming from deep inside to turn the wheel and drive into a big pole while driving at 130 km/h on the autoroute. I feel the impulse in my body as my mind visualises the scence. That kind of experience I live since I'm 16, and never led me to a real attempt.
(Poeple who are in existentail crisis, please don't read what's following)
2- The second experience is the most threatening one. It does not involve any intense emotions. It is more the opposite. It is a non-emotional state. No anxiety, at least not consious. It is like everything is so clear. I hesitate to explain it all the way because it is so tempting to put a diagnostic on this. "delusional paranoid thinking". In fact, it is a state where the thinking can go on without any repression. And it leads to very disturbing, worrying conclusions. At least for me. I think the "direction" my thoughts will take is reliant on my early experiences. And I have the feeling my early experiences were not in my favor. Since I was very young, I have a kind of belief that 'luck, or life, is not on my side". When I did my badtrip experience with mushrooms, at that time I was studying psychology, I had had the course "psychology of the unconscious" and also was reading Castaneda. So that night, all the knowledge, all the information I had read formed a team to prove me that I was right from the start: life is not on my side. And the rest follows: I got to act. So it is not as much a wish as a so frighteningly logical conclusion. I don't want to go to far here, because I don't want to put any 'bad ideas' in the head of no one here. This is the last thing we need. See, since that time, I feel like I know something that I have to keep secret cause it leads to a "no turning back" point. It's a heavy weight. Very heavy.> > ===I simply would like the tough part to come in small doses, not all at once
> Then do as you would like to. Say,"Ok, ok, questions, not all at once, one at a time please. I want to respectfully address each and every one of you. Now, who is the most desperate and unaddressed? Step forward!" :) it always works for me when my head starts to spin form too many tough questions demanding immediate answers and ACTION. Somehow they know very well how to line themselves up, when I promise I'll deal with everyone of them, and fullfill my promise. It is next to impossible to achieve, of course, if you are lying to yourself, and just want to hide.Be sure I'll try that, thank's for the tip, sincerely.
> > ===... hmmm I'm currently beginning a therapy, where I'll do all I can to find my way.
>
> Godspeed, Doo.
> A small word of advice. Remember at all times to talk to your therappist, not in front of him/her. That is rather a formidable challenge for a loner, but you can do it.You mean like in psychoanalysis?
Well, gotta leave now, work's awaiting.
Read you later, and btw I like this discussion; it's not easy but it's satisfying and nurturing.
Doo
poster:Doo
thread:5880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010417/msgs/5904.html